This might not be the most pleasant of blogs but its where I struggle and where God has been working the most on me,
I guess I need to back up a lil to start this thing,
As I talked about in my last blog, about how it was as if God had picked me up and was carrying me through and how I had so much peace, joy and freedom in Nepal. Then going to Pangkor Island for debrief, and being on that island turned out to be a very lonely time for me, which really triggered a lot of old stuff in me causing me to not be in a good place starting out the month in Penang for unsung heroes.
The first day of training where we decided what roll each of us would take on for the month was a blur for me, I was having one of those blah kinda days. The kind of days, where even drawing a small straight line was a struggle. So, long story short I felt like I had been left behind, and almost never caught back up, like being a day late and a dollar short. Then add that to the loneliness I was struggling with already, I became nothing more then a warm body and useless to my team. I kept trying to catch up, but just couldn’t and it was as if God left me behind too. I could see my team hearing from God and moving forward, and as I prayed about Unsung Heroes and about my roll for this month, and praying about what I needed to do to be present and not feel like I’m a day late and I got nothing. God was silent. So, I got full of all kinds of thoughts. I started thinking,”would this never end?” “Must the story of my life always be the same?”, “Will I always be the odd man out, always unheard, always lonely?” “Will I always be at arms length with everybody even God?” and “Will I fill rejected forever all the time?”
I got to a place where i was just like, “the hell with it”, and so I became isolated and useless. Then for a min there, through the questioning that was being asked of me, it almost felt like the race was about to give up on me and just send me home over having a few bad days.
In the end, that was just the enemy trying to shut me up again. Thankfully God is faithful! Through all of it, God kept bringing a memory into my head from when I was a little kid. I had not remembered the memory in years, and He showed me that it was a root to why I easily shut down when certain things trigger it. It’s not some traumatic or hurtful memory, its a very simple and almost pointless event.
It’s crazy how such small a thing can still effect a person so much at even 30 years old.
Since recognizing the memory, which was about 3 or 4 days ago, and praying over it and my team praying over me, I’ve been back to be’n myself, open and free and actually useful again. As far as my roll on the team this month, well I am still working on that with God, He’s still been silent with me about it. When it comes time that my roll is needed, I’m still at a loss and feel kinda useless in it. All I have at this point is to take to heart Luke 10:49, and not let my thoughts be all over the place, instead I am focusing on what is necessary, which is spending time with God, and when it fills like He’s far away and never talking to me, I know from experience that it just takes patience. He has never failed to come through for me! 🙂
Also I started reading a book 2 days ago, that was handed down to me by one of the squad leaders, the first chapter in that book has been spot on for exactly what I’ve been struggling with, and has helped me a lot.
In other news today marks the halfway point of our race,
I still have 5 months and 5 countries to go, Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, then in Africa there is, Malawi, and Zambia. As of right now, I still need to raise $4996 by the end of this month, if I don’t i’m pretty sure i won’t be seeing Africa. I know that 90% of my supporters are family and miss me and wouldn’t complain one bit for me to come home sooner but, I know God didn’t tell me to give up everything I own to come on an 11 month mission trip and not finish strong! So, I ask that you would not be selfish in wanting to see me sooner and not help me out in reaching my funding goal! 🙂
I have not had anything come of the paintings/picture fundraiser idea. I am also still praying and hoping my Ford will sell, but even if it does I probably will only get $3000 for it. So, I will still need almost $2000 more, I hate to stress over funds much less stress other people out about them.
I just ask that you would pray for God to release the funds from where He has them stored and pray about if He wants you to donate a little too. Pray for me to stay in tune with the Holy Spirit and to be present where He wants me, so I don’t miss what He’s got in store for me next 🙂
