So, I leave for training camp in two days. And it’s gonna be great! The people are gonna be awesome. The things we do are gonna be awesome. And it’s in Georgia so I get to drink some sweet peach tea. But I can’t stop thinking about the Race itself, and what its really going to be like. As I was talking to my friend Jason Gebhardt, he was telling me about how he knows his expectations are going to be blown to bits. And that made me think about my own expectations. Some of the biggest expectations are the ones I have for myself.
Who will I become?
The biggest part of this Race, for me, is my desire to change. There’s a longing in me that just doesn’t want to be the person I am right now. At this point in my life, when I’m graduating high school and getting out into the real world, I have finally arrived at the first time where I can really become my own person. I want to be someone who obeys and believes the bible for what it says about God and how to follow Him. Even if it’s awkward or really uncomfortable. I want to be someone who is secure, confident, full of faith and love. I’ve seen a special type of radical obedience that I want to model in a select few people, but I just don’t know how to get there.
I see so much disobedience inside of me, and I don’t feel confident. I don’t feel joyful or excited oftentimes like everyone expects me to be. I feel trapped — trapped inside of the pressure of “you have to be excited and joyful. You’re a missionary that knows everything and follows God and has it all together.” But oftentimes I’m not excited, I’m just worried. And I just don’t have it all together.
I’ve been living out of a place of defeat and tiredness for awhile, quite honestly. I feel this pressure to pour out on people all the time because everyone expects me to be this perfect born again Christian but thats not how it is inside. I have a great story of how I met Jesus, but life still isn’t perfect I feel guilty when I don’t do something for God. What makes it worse is how I remembered how I was doing really great awhile back, when I was passionate for all things God and living freedom and joy. But I’m in a rough spot right now and I need some prayer.
Deep down I know I’m not meant to live out of defeat. But I can’t help but be upset at how I’ve been so misled into thinking that Christianity is just a bunch of do-better principles. But all I hear about in messages all the things followers of Jesus are supposed to do but I never hear about Jesus anymore. What ever happened to Jesus? Isn’t he the perfecter of our faith and our strength like He says he is? In my heart I know He’s everything, but I don’t see that truth actually lived out in reality. I hope this Race will be something different.
I want to know the Love of God and the importance of Jesus, like I used to know when I was on fire for God. Who I should be is someone who doesn’t just do a bunch of things but lives in a relationship. Deep down I know He will rescue me from this pit of fear, anxiety, and frustration. He will reveal His love like he promised, and help me be closer to Him.
