So I feel like being more honest than I think I ever have been. Let’s see how it goes. My whole life I have gotten so good at appearing together on the outside. I got so good at this that I had even convinced myself that I was fine when in actuality I have not been fine for…well I don’t know the answer to that. I am a mess. I have issues. I am eight months in on this trail of tears they call the World Race and I am broken. I am walking through some pretty intense “heart issues” at the moment. I don’t know what else to call them without using well ya know some inappropriate language.
About eighteen months ago, Jesus opened my heart up to His Spirit and it was good. I seem to do this thing though, where when I have some breakthrough, I automatically hope and try and convince myself that that was the last of it. How silly, but I am realizing that this reaction is actually rooted in fear because I am afraid to go deeper. It’s scary down there. This month, I have started to embrace “the process”. Something that my girlfriend almost had to drag me into, haha, in the most gentle way possible of course. She is so amazing and I am blessed beyond comprehension. Ok, I could go on for years about her. Back to the mess. The idea of sitting in something and taking a big look around has forever terrified me and so I have either ignored it and convinced myself that it wasn’t there or closed my eyes and ran through it like I did when I was a little kid and had to go through a dark place or room. Oh yea I was afraid of the dark. I think I might have been afraid of everything. My mom would call me a ‘worry wart’.
Ok so there is one of the things I am walking through right now. I am not ok that she died. I have tried for so long to convince myself and everyone around me that I am fine. I am not. It sucks! I miss her so much and tears roll as I think about it. I have recently realized that I have been mad at Him for ‘taking her away’. Questions have come up recently. “Why did you take her from me? Why didn’t you heal her, because I know you could have?!” These are things that until recently I would have been afraid to even admit to myself that I was harboring. Blaming God? Well that’s where I am at and I don’t feel Him rushing me out of this place. I think that He wants to get the root and it could be a while before we get there. He is so good though cause even while I am sitting here with tears running down my cheeks while I spill my heart on this screen, my host Mama knocked on the door and brought me a plate with two pbj’s, a banana, some beans, and a coke. Honestly made me miss my mom even more.
So it gets better. There are more things going on in my heart right now than I honestly feel comfortable with at the moment and it’s really, really hard. Another thing, I am easily offended to the point where I can feel pretty victimized and attacked. Once this happens, I open a door for lies to come in and invite me into a dark place where I start to think everyone is out to get me. Just this morning I found myself there and I found myself feeling all alone. I felt this tightness in my chest that tried to take my breath away. It is absolutely not the first time and unfortunately I don’t know that it will be the last, but today it was identified, thanks to some persistent love that I needed.
If you were to look at a picture of me these days, you would be surprised if I then told you that I am one of the most sensitive and emotional people you have met. It’s the truth. A lot of those emotions have been coming up recently too. I have tried to suppress my emotions and hide my struggles for so long and in turn have actually hindered my freedom and created strongholds and masks. Today I claim freedom because He has given it to me. Rachel actually sang it over me today. Did I mention that she is amazing?! Well she also has an amazing voice!
There has been so much going on and coming up that I haven’t known where to start telling you about it. So I start in the middle and invite you into my mess. Though I claim freedom, I know that it isn’t going to be easy. As I look forward, down the road laid before me, I see struggle, tears, and sorrow. The prayer stuck on my tongue, “Jesus I want to feel safe!” The Kingdom is always advancing, whether it be in this world or in me. And so I carry hope and know that He has me safely tucked away in His embrace, but I still struggle with feeling safe and I don’t like it. This is where I am at and I am so thankful that He loves me too much to let me stay!
