Some days are hard. Some days I can’t stop thinking about the people I’ve left at home. I fear that maybe they won’t still be there when I get back…or worse, maybe the Lord won’t call me back ever.
Some days I want nothing more than to jump on the next flight to wherever the heck I can go.
But some days, and today is one of them I get sentimental.
Some days I sit in the fact that I’ve been doing the thing for almost 9 months now and I feel like I’ve had enough.
Somedays I just really wish I had a normal job with a normal income.
Somedays I’m just tired of sweating at every waking moment.
Somedays I’m tired of having to cook for a team of people.
Somedays I’m tired of having to go grocery shopping and it affecting 7 other people if I choose to just not one day.
Somedays I feel bad that I don’t want to give more.
Somedays I want to just feel a little bit normal.
Somedays I just want to take a hot shower.
Somedays I want to just throw my clothes in the washer and dryer.
Somedays I want to make it at least a full day without feeling sick at all.
Somedays I would rather get in my car and buy a coffee on my way to church rather than walk there in the rain.
Somedays I want things that I think will satisfy me.
Somedays I think I’m ready to be done.
Then I remember that I don’t even deserve what I do have.
Today we had a slower day so I found myself lost in my bible.
Naturally, I was in Matthew and I came to verse “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness..” (Matthew 6:33)
The more I seek Him, the more I find Him. The more I find Him, the more of Him I want and if that means that I never get a hot shower again..I’ll be okay.
My prayer this morning was that I would lose my own life to find Him.
“Whoever does not take up the cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 10:38-39
So even though somedays I just want to sit and ponder about all of the things back at home that I miss, I find myself privileged to even have an opportunity like this.
So for now, I’ll be okay with my cold showers.
I’ll be okay with instant coffee.
I’ll be okay with walking in the rain.
I’ll be okay wearing a dirty shirt because I don’t have time to wait for it to hang dry.
I’ll be okay because I have everything that I really need and for that I’m blessed.
In Matthew Jesus goes on to say, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” (Matthew 16:24)
So today I’m going to continue to deny myself to pick up my cross and follow Jesus with everything I have and I’m truly blessed to be able to do so.
