March 9th marks two years since I decided to take my life.
I remember it like it was yesterday, it started out as an afternoon filled with friends and games. As usual, I had a fake smile on and was cheesing for all the pictures we took. I can remember driving home, contemplating if today was the day…I had a plan, I’d been thinking about it for weeks, and I finally decided I was just done living. I hugged all my friends tight, and took the backroads home-driving way too fast because I didn’t care if my car would fly off the road into a tree.
I remember going home and locking myself in my room, and I started to get into my usual routine of self harming. I sat on my floor, crying and bleeding, not knowing why my life had turned out this way, and wondering where I went wrong. What had I done to deserve this kind of life? The life where I never felt enough, where the only time I felt slightly good was when I was harming myself.
I finally laid down on the floor, waiting for my parents to go to sleep so I could undo the rope we used as a clothesline. I kept hearing this little voice that repeated, “Please stop, just listen.” I kept telling God to shove it, and get out of my head. I didn’t want anything to do with it, I knew it was too late. It was too late for me at this point, I had a plan, I’d written a note, and I was determined to end it. I knew my mom would find me the next morning after she let the dogs out. I apologized to her in my letter for finding her little girl that way, and promised that I was finally happy. Sitting here now, thinking back to that night and the letter, I can’t believe how low I felt. So low I had decided to hang myself…After all, it would be over quick enough ( I learned that through an unfortunate church play when I was young. They wanted flying angels so they strapped a harness underneath our white robes and tied some fancy string around us. Unfortunately the string and harness got caught together and ended up choking me until I blacked out. Thankfully someone saw me struggling and got me down in time!)
Suddenly, I sat up, tears still running down my face. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I wanted help, I wanted to be free of this thing that had held tight onto me for years. I knew what I needed to do.I stood up and paced in my room for a while, audibly arguing with myself about my options.
After a while, I grabbed the card my therapist at the hospital had given me, opened my door, and walked to the living room where my parents were. I stood there, still crying, and told my parents I was ready to get help. I told them I needed to go to the hospital so I wouldn’t hurt myself again.
After a 6 hour wait in the emergency room, an ambulance ride to another hospital that had a behavioral health floor, and another 6 day hospital stay in the psych unit, I had found the help I needed.
I needed more help than I could have ever imagined, but thankfully I found that. I found it in Jesus, I found it in church, and I especially found it while volunteering with my church’s youth group. I realized I did have a purpose, and I even had a heart for helping people. Before being hospitalized, I was selfish. Everything that happened effected me somehow, and I would take it to heart and avoid people. After that stay, I decided that I have gone through all that I have for a reason. I’ve been made stronger, and I have the heart to help others going through similar struggles.
Now, 2 years later I am self harm free. I am no longer bulimic. I have no more suicidal thoughts.
2 years later I now realize the importance of Jesus in my life. He really has saved me, and that is why I live my life for him. He saved me from taking my own life, reminding me that He sacrificed His own life for me. For my sin, my shame, for everything! He’s the reason I’m alive today, so I will forever sing His praises and tell everyone I can about this crazy Jesus thing. If He can save me, He can save you.
My sweet Father has such a heart for you, His love for you is unfathomable. He can save you at your lowest lows, and He’s there for you at your highest highs. He’s with you through the valleys, as well as on the mountain tops. I am so thankful He saved me that night, and that He never gave up on me regardless of me wanting Him or not. He’s that way for you, as well. He so desperately wants you to come running to Him, the same way a child runs to their earthly father. He wants to hold you and tell you how much He loves you, and I will live my life trying to show the love He has shown me.
If you need prayer for similar struggles, please know you are forever in my heart and prayers. I’ve been where you are, and I know it’s hard. Please know that there’s hope out there, and a future has already been planned for you. Little did 20 year old me know the impact my story could have on people, but I’ve experienced both healings and struggles while walking on this path with others. I’ve seen victories, and let me tell you, God will walk with you every step of the way.
***I am officially 28.6% funded for my trip. Thank you to all who have supported me!
I am still in need of funding, however. Would you prayerfully consider making a donation and helping me pursue the dream God has placed on my heart?
If so, you can give a few different ways:?
1.) Through my World Race blog? :
brandigriffith.theworldrace.org?
2.) Cashapp :
?$brandigriffith0111?
3.) Venmo? :
@brandi-griffith-5?
4.) Cash/Check
I appreciate each of you and know that your gifts are being used to further the Kindgom in 11 different countries, across 3 continents, & multiple people groups!
