It was not all that bad, but
once I left my family at the age of 18 I forgot everything that had happened
growing up.
You see, I tend to look at
the negative side of things and all the things that were bad instead of looking
at any of the good things that happened.
I
realized this during my month 5 when several of my teammates wanted to know
about my life growing up. I couldn’t really tell them anything because I had
literally erased those memories from my mind.
I had to dig deep down into
my memory cave and figure out what my life was like growing up.
I lived in a ranch style home
with my dad, mom, and brother so close to my high school that you could throw a
rock at it and hit it.
Growing up I was super close
with my mom and my dad and brother were really close.
My mom and I went shopping
all the time, literally like 4 days a week (mainly just to the grocery store,
haha).
My dad and brother always
went hunting, a sport that I have now grown to hate.
From second grade on I was a
problem child, as was my brother. We both equally got into trouble all the time
at school.
I can remember doing something
wrong in second grade and getting sent to detention instead of the playground
for recess. To be honest, I can remember liking detention better.
In fifth grade, I was
suspended from school for ten days and was sent to a school for unruly children
for five days. As well as being put on a diversion program, a juvenile program
similar to probation.
In Junior High and High
school I was constantly in and out of In School Suspension (ISS). ISS was spent
in an isolated room with walls separating you from other people. I distinctly
remember being in ISS in Junior High with my brother. During my freshman year
of high school I was one demerit away from getting Out of School Suspension and
nobody’s got time for that.
Not only was I getting in
trouble at school, but at home I was constantly grounded by the family
disciplinarian, my dad.
Here’s
the hardcore truth: my dad and I have never gotten along.
We’ve never really seen “eye-to-eye.”
My dad was verbally abusive growing
up and it hurt me a lot.
It didn’t just hurt on the
outside affecting my emotions, it affected me deep down.
I’ve
had “daddy issues” and problems with trusting men for as long as I can
remember.
There is forgiveness.
My dad’s been forgiven by
me, but most importantly my dad has been forgiven by His Dad.
There’s also forgiveness for
never hearing the words “I love you”
come from my father’s mouth.
When
you have an absence of love from your earthly father for so long, it can either
be really easy or really hard to love your Heavenly father.
For me, it was easy. It was
an easy transition to trust on my Daddy in Heaven and to know that He has my
best interests at heart.
It was easy because I was at
a time of complete brokenness where I had to rely on Him for my strength.
In
the fall of 2007, during my senior year of high school I was at my wits end.
My mom had distanced herself
from me and I had felt alone in my family.
I, too, had become verbally
abusive towards my family because I didn’t know what else to do.
I
had expressed with my family that I had thoughts of suicide.
They didn’t believe me, but
I was serious.
I was to a point in my life
that I did not want to go on anymore.
I was fed up and tired of
the abuse.
I was done with being
mistreated on and on for so many years by my dad.
And, now my mom had left me
to.
All of the details are unnecessary
for this blog, but I was eventually removed from my family’s home. Charges were pressed and restraining orders
kept me from my family. I had to find a home and for the first time in my
life I was relying on God and I didn’t even know it.
I moved in with a family who
was the “typical American Christian family.”
They were heavily involved
in the church, but they rarely had it impact their lives outside of the four
church walls.
They
understood religion with Jesus more than they understood a relationship with Jesus.
Living with them planted a
seed in me to want to know God more.
I went to college and
eventually surrendered all of me to Him.
I
heard of the story of Jesus for the first time when I was 19 years old.
I’ve never been the same.
My
life has always been different than those around me.
I have a story that shocks
those around me when I tell it.
I know that it has been written
by the hand of God for the purpose of His Kingdom.
I reconnected with my mom in
October 2009.
That family that took me in,
they disowned me in February 2010.
My dad spoke to me the first
time on my birthday in October 10, 2012, while I was on the race.
While on the race, I have
not had the chance to call up my mom asking for money.
After I return from the
race, I don’t have the comfort of knowing I can just move back in with my
family.
My God is a God or provision
and he provides for all of my needs from a home to money for my day to day
life.
When people talk about
growing up, I generally get uncomfortable and feel out of place.
When
my teammates talk about their families, it makes me sad knowing I am not as
close to knowing the minor details in my family.
Sometimes situations are
uncomfortable.
Sometimes I don’t know what
to say or do, but my God knows me.
He
knows every detail about me and my thoughts.
He knows everything that I
have ever been through and He loves me through it.
He loved me in my rebellious
phase when I didn’t even know who He was.
My life is not the same as
others around me, and I have to be willing to say that I trust Him in it.
He is using me to reach
certain people that others are not able to reach out to.
One of the greatest things
God has been teaching me and that I have been sharing for the last three months
of the race is this: Every single thing
in your life will be used for the glory of His Kingdom in the future. The good,
the bad, and the ugly, all of it will be used for Kingdom purposes. Do you believe it?
I’m not sharing these things
with you to rekindle these memories and bring back the hurt and pain in my
family. I’m sharing these things with you because I went to bed last night and
I woke up this morning thinking about writing this blog. I know it’s not from me and that it is from the Lord. Someone is
going to come across this blog and it is going to touch their heart in a new
way. The Lord is a protector, a healer, and a redeemer. He’s in the business of
reconciliation and He is working that out in my relationship with my dad as I
am away on the race. Believe in Him for miracles. Believe in Him for the things
you never thought possible.
