It’s been a quiet month, it seems. I haven’t blogged much. Um, at all. I just feel like there hasn’t been much to say, I guess. Which is odd. I’m traveling the world, changing locations (at least) every month, encountering many different people and cultures, living in community with 50+ other people (five of which I live in “intense” community with), witnessing the “Lord’s work” being done in all kinds of places….
You’d think I wouldn’t be able to shut up.
I guess that’s why I’m frustrated.
Jesus says in Matthew, that “the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart.” The silence that my heart and soul feel is irritating. Shouldn’t I be angry? Shouldn’t I have funny antics to relay? Shouldn’t there be some weird cultural difference to share? Shouldn’t I be broken hearted?
Shouldn’t I have something to say?!
Sometimes I sit down to write a blog, expecting the words to come as I begin to type. Instead, I’m met with a blank Word Doc screen and … silence. Nothing stirs within me, nothing comes flowing from the depths of my mind, heart or soul. It’s just … silence.
And, I gotta be honest, I equate the silence”with a lack of growth. Perhaps that is because I am such a “words” person that, when I feel or understand or see or learn something that is profound, I like to share it. The profound is what changes me. It’s what moves me. It’s what brings about growth. Even if “profound” for me is mundane to you. And yet, there is … silence. There’s not even half-eaten-letters-pushed-together in the alphabet soup. It’s just broth. I haven’t felt challenged or broken or altered, in any way, by what I’ve seen or participated in these last four months. I’m just…me.
I know that Father is changing me. I know that others see the change. I know that they can even “feel” the growth that has already taken place within me. And I praise Him for it! I thank Him for moving so quietly in my life that I miss the subtle changes He allows others to experience. But, I find myself asking for Him to let me see and feel it. It’s my life, why can’t I witness what that life is showing others?! If this “journey” is going to be about the internal growth more than the external experiences, why can’t I get the satisfaction of knowing – from my own observations – that I am actually growing? Must I rely only on the words of others?
For now, it seems that the answer to that question will be “yes.”
