A few days ago, I wrote about the Month 8 pedestal. And I asked people not to put me up on one.
But, I wasn’t completely honest with my reason(s) why.
Outside of not knowing anything, I have an even darker reason for desiring to be at the bottom of any such pedestals. Ready?
I. Don’t. Want. To. Be. Here.
And, if I’m being even more honest, I haven’t wanted to be here since Training Camp.
Did you hear that?! …Training Camp.
[IT’S MONTH 8!!!!]
I launched out of obedience.
And I continue out of obedience.
For the first several months of the Race. I kept trying to make myself want to be here. Then, I gave up and told God He’d have to do it for me, ’cause I obviously couldn’t find the desire myself.
And, since then, there’s not really been much change.
The only desire I have in staying is to obey the Lord because I believed five years ago He was calling me to the Race and began praying about it. I believed in April 2010 – when I applied for the Race – that He was calling me to it and finally releasing me to pursue it. I believed in September 2010 – when I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a man whose friendship quickly & unexpectedly turned in to love – that Father allowed the relationship to develop, but was even still calling me to the Race. And I believe today that He continues calling me to finish the Race.
So, I stay.
I do my best to love the Lord, the people I live with and those I serve. I enjoy each day to the fullest I can, though I fear my joy is still circumstantial. And I seek to find the encounters with the Lord in each month.
But, yesterday, I was (self) diagnosed with another kidney infection. It’s the second one I’ve had on this trip…and in my life…and the delicate glass facade I’d been presenting myself about finally finding a desire to stay put, beyond just obeying the Lord, came crashing down. Kidney infections are painful and annoying, but are also just kidney infections. And yet, it was like someone had told me I was dying: I wanted out. Now. Out of this place and back home. Pronto. No more pretending, no more obeying. I’m done.
And I felt my facade breaking, bringing about reality in a slightly mocking manner:
…silly girl. You still don’t want to be here. You would book a flight home in a heartbeat if you felt free to. Stop believing otherwise…
** a breath **
I know I’m on the trip of a lifetime and one that not many people have the opportunity to take. Many of you, my supporters reading this, are in that club. I know it’s selfish and bratty for me to feel this way…to still feel this way after 7+ months on the field. I don’t mean to be ungrateful.
But, this is reality. And I don’t know what to do about it anymore. Except, perhaps, to just be honest with it.
So, please, take me off any pedestals you might have me on. I do not deserve to be there. It is the Lord who gets me through each day and nothing more. He deserves the honor.
