After a few years, I realized that I could hide my lack of confidence by pretending I had confidence. Doing theatre and hanging out with all the “crazies” made me look more confident in who I was. But really I was just pretending to have it all figured out. I kept creating characters that could entertain people, so I didn’t really have to show how self-conscious I was. In reality, I beat myself up for all the performance I had on stage in high school. I was never happy with my abilities, music, acting, caring for people. And I ultimately had no faith that God had a hand in what I was involved in.
Even coming into the World Race, I really had to catch myself when I would question God’s hand in what I was doing. I had no confidence in speaking to my team, because I had no faith that I had anything worthwhile to say. But from the beginning of all of this in Manila, Philippines, people have been speaking over me, telling me, prophesying over me that I have a voice that God wants to use to do big things in His Kingdom. But how do I change my mentality when it’s been in my head since elementary school?
From day 1 on the Race, my team and squad mates have told me repeatedly that I have a strong voice that glorifies God, and that people are naturally drawn to the words I say, making it very easy for people to follow me. Since I have been made the leader of Team Crux, I had doubted all of this Truth that has been spoken into me. I have not put faith in the fact that I am called to be a leader by my Father, nor that I am actually called to speak Life and Truth into the people and places I encounter. I have assured my team and leadership that I will trust that God has called me to this and that I will lead with confidence that I am supposed to lead nations to bow down to The True King.
I now announce to all of you readers out there- friends, family, enemies- that I am stepping into the role that My King and My God is placing before me. It will not be a place of pride and selfishness, nor a place of glory, as all Glory belongs to Jesus Christ. This place of leadership means that I walk in faith strong enough to move mountains, heal the sick, and to bring justice to the fatherless, widows and the hungry. This faith says that God wants to use me, work through me, and in me so that He will be glorified, that His Kingdom will be built, and that His children will return to Him. I do hear the voice of God and He tells me to love the people around me without fear that I am wrong in authority, or that I am not worth His love. His Love is the only true thing in my life, and it is all I can trust in. It’s all I have to trust in. All other things will fall to the ground away from glory.
So I declare to the world that I am a leader, a man of God, a true physical manifestation of The Alpha and The Omega, the God heard of in stories that are millennia-old. He will bring nations to their knees through me, and he will do “greater things than these.”
Thanks for reading.
UPDATE
By the way, Team Crux has had a good period of rest and refilling, having just finished a long debrief with our squad-mates, as well as the June ’09 squad. Now two G-Squad teams will be going up to Mexico for the month, and (hopefully) the other five teams will stay in Guatemala for our second-to-last month of The World Race. Right now, Team Crux, Team Lunchbox, and Team Remnant are “stuck” in Antigua, Guatemala because some of our contacts fell through on commitments. But having done all this for the past nine months, we know that these opportunities are set up by God to do His work in unconventional ways. So until we get some contacts set up we’ll be hanging out in Antigua doing some ATL (Ask The Lord), maybe doing some Hospital ministry, worship in the park, and perhaps some garbage dump ministry. So please be praying that everything will work out and be wonderful and glorifying to The Lord while we are here. We aren’t just gonna sit on our butts waiting for the “perfect ministry” to jump onto our laps. We will be stepping up in joy and obedience to see that the nations will worship Our King with their hearts and their lives.
