I don’t know about you, but I hate uncertainty.
This month has been full of uncertainty.
It’s been a hard month for me.
I’ve been uncertain about our task called “monk chat”. We’ve spent the month walking to local temples and talking with monks about everything under the sun. They want to practice English and our job has been to get to know them and speak with them for several hours at a time. Thailand is called the land of smiles, but smiles here can mask many emotions. The monks are kind and pleasant, but I never really know how they feel about me or the conversation we’re having. “Are my conversations helpful and encouraging to the monks?” Also, this has been a month of Buddhist holidays, and the monks don’t always come to monk chat. So often when we’re walking in the blazing Thai sun I wonder, “Will we even see a monk today?” “Is this worth it?” I’m uncertain.
After monk chat we go to the slums. We play soccer, sing songs, and make friendship bracelets with the kids. We never know if 0 kids will be there or 20 kids will be there. We don’t know what they are saying since we don’t speak Thai and they don’t speak English. It’s hard to read their body language sometimes because children here are taught to always show respect to elders. “Is what we’re doing making any difference for them? Do they even care if we’re here?” I’m uncertain.
One day we hand picked a field of corn and shucked it to help out a woman named Si who recently adopted 6 children. The girls were on a path leading toward prostitution and the boys were being neglected, so she took them under her wings in faith and hope that she could offer them a better life. Money is tight for her and the corn will bring in an income for 2 months, but beyond that…she doesn’t know. She wonders, “Will we have enough money to eat and afford our home?” I’m uncertain.
Sometimes, there is an end to our uncertainty. After time passes, there is a difinitive answer, a solution to our problem, an effect to our cause. Sometimes though, we remain uncertain. Sometimes, we know we will never find out the answer/solution/effect we are having on others. This is hard for me.
It’s hard to leave the monks and the slums and Si and not know the rest of their stories. It’s like planting a seed in a field, watering it for a month, doing our best to care for it, then leaving. I’ll never know what became of them all.
I think I’ve come to understand a few things better this month in all the uncertainty. I’ve learned that I can own the circumstances, but hold onto them loosely. It’s not about me. If I walk all afternoon and meet no one- it’s ok. If I can’t tell what someone is thinking or feeling about me- it’s ok. If I never get to hear the end of someone’s story- it’s ok. All I can do is bless them as best I can in the moment we have together and entrust them to a God who loves them when it comes time to part.
Second, I can get lost in the uncertainty and let my feelings overwhelm me. Or, I can appreciate the beauty of the moment. I could choose to feel insignificant, ineffective, and unimportant. Or, I can choose to be grateful for each unique opportunity to get to know someone or see something new. I can choose to see the sadness/frustration/anger/hopelessness/apathy in peoples’ eyes or I can choose to look deeper to find the unfolding love story that God is working in them.
Third, I’ve learned that God’s love is relentless. He loves people. All people. Whether they love him back or not. Whether they appreciate him or not. Whether they are aware of him or not. It’s only because of that love that I am able to love people. I don’t always get thanked. I don’t always get communicated with well. Not everyone wants love and not everyone will receive love. But I can’t stop loving them because God is in me and God will never stop loving them.
Pray for me for the courage to face uncertainty. Pray that I can put my own agenda and desires aside. Pray that I’ll be willing to keep building relationships with people and love people that I only get to know for a short time.
“Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Cor. 13:12-13
