I wrote this in an email to my friend on Thursday (May 17), two days before I was moving away from my “family” and friends in the Keys.
I’m currently living in a land far far away. The name of this magical place is Denial. Everything is beautiful in Denial and I’m always happy. The world will stop revolving while I’m gone and I will return to things and people just the way I left them. I know that I will see all my friends again and we will remain close. There’s no reason to be sad here in Denial. My heart doesn’t hurt here. I love living in Denial because I created the world and therefore I have complete control over it.
Maybe it’s just Mind who’s living in Denial because it’s tired of Heart. Heart has been broken a lot lately and Mind’s patience is wearing thin. Mind has no sympathy for Heart because after all, it asked to be broken, didn’t it? Now Mind has had all it can handle and is building these high, sturdy walls to block out the cries of Heart. Mind just wants to live peacefully in Denial; is that too much to ask? Every once in awhile Heart catches Mind off guard. It finds a crack in the wall and screams into it. It’s ear piercingly loud and at the pitch that makes you cringe, but it doesn’t last long. Mind has become proficient at patching the cracks quickly and effectively.
Heart is going through more than Mind can handle. Heart is strong and sure. It knows what it wants and what it needs. It’s searching, seeking completion. The closer it gets, the more intense the battle gets. And the more intense the battle gets, the more Heart breaks. Yet, through the brokenness it will find the completion it longs for. Heart understands that it is only by being broken that it can be whole. Mind doesn’t understand. Mind is like a child who invents and lives in a fantasy world to escape what it fears in reality. I hope Mind finds the strength and courage that Heart posesses because only then will it be able to break down the walls and live in true peace.
I moved back to West Palm Beach to live with my parents until I leave. I was at a Christian gathering last night and someone asked how my mom was handling my leaving. I jokingly said, “She’s doing just fine because she’s in denial.” Later I was standing with her and when asked the same question she turned to me and said, “Where are you going?” Of course she was joking but she proved my point. I’m not accusing her of living in Denial about me leaving, but it is a lot easier to handle when we just don’t think about it.
When I was in middle school, probably 12 or 13 years old, I remember sitting on my bed one day and thinking to myself “I cry too much. I cry about everything. I need to grow up and not cry all the time .” I’m not sure what prompted that thought but it’s been affecting me ever since. Any time I felt like crying (at the end of the movie The Notebook for example) I would hold it in. I wouldn’t let myself cry. That’s not to say I haven’t cried in the last 10 years, because I certainly have, but whenever I felt like crying I would analyze the situation and decide if it was a good enough reason to shed some tears. Only now can I see what I’ve been doing. Mind didn’t build this wall between itself and Heart overnight. Mind has been laying bricks for awhile now. Each time Mind decided that Heart didn’t have a good enough reason to cry, it was laying down another brick. Brick by brick by brick the wall was built. Higher and higher. The higher the wall got, the less I acknowledged my emotions. And we all know “practice makes perfect”. The more bricks Mind layed, the more skilled a mason it became.
Here’s the million dollar question: How do I bridge the gap between Mind and Heart so that they can live together harmoniously? How does Mind break down the walls it has built? Or, for some of you, the question might be, “How does Heart break down the walls it has built against Mind?” It doesn’t matter which question you need to ask yourself because in both cases there’s a block of emotion. Either your heart is feeling emotions that your mind won’t acknowledge and process, or you’re mind is trying to process something that your heart won’t let you feel emotion toward. Both situations are going to leave you internally conflicted. We were not given the ability to think thoughts and feel emotions to do one independent of the other.
In response to that email my friend replied with these Shane and Shane lyrics to cheer me up: “Lord, I know if I change my mind, You will change my heart in time.” He admits that it’s backwards from what I wrote to him but it’s an important point and I think these words still ring true when flipped around. “Lord, I know if I change my heart, you will change my mind in time.” Whether it’s Heart or Mind that decides to change, we can rest in the fact that God will help change the other.
As I talked about in Broken, God can heal all at once or over time. Some people are ready to go at their wall with a 10 ton wrecking ball. Others are only ready to remove one brick at a time. The point is not how long it takes to tear down the wall, but that you recognize the existance of the wall and take action.
I’ve had time to think about this whole blogging business and now that I’m back home, I’ve quickly come to realize how many people are reading it. To set the record straight, I’m not a writer or a preacher. I’ve only started writing like this since training camp so it’s new for me too. I can openly and honestly admit that I don’t know everything and I certainly don’t have all the answers. I’m just sharing here what God is teaching me in hopes that someone else will be able to take something from it. The great thing about my blogging is that I don’t have to be the only one sharing. If I’m writing about a topic that you’ve battled with and gained victory over, please comment! Share with me and everyone else how God has helped you through it. Leave scripture if something comes to mind. I need your advice and encouragement too and hope to learn from your experiences as much as you learn from mine. Thank you for reading my blogs and encouraging my writing. And more importantly, thanks to you God for giving me the words. I love you all so much.
