I was sitting in my dad’s office today sorting through insurance papers. It’s not my top choice of activities but I needed to make some money and my dad needed help. Today he was out of the office so I had my iPod plugged into speakers and on my favorite setting “shuffle songs.” I love to hear the random playlists it comes up with, especially when it plays something like Bob Marley followed by Jason Upton, then something from Moulin Rouge and then Frank Sinatra.
Anyway, as I was sitting there “Inside Out” came on and my brain immediately brought me back to Nicaragua and our music group, Cinco-che. Sitting on the front porch of Ezekiel’s house surrounded by sunflowers, trying to learn this song in Spanish. Then we’re standing on stage at a church singing it and truly worshiping, even though we don’t speak the language we’re singing in. Then a spanish worship song started playing and I almost lost it. My heart broke. I cried out to God:
I don’t want to be here!
I know that I’m only here for a season, not permanently.
I know that I’m working by choice, not out of need, and that alone is a huge blessing.
But it’s still hard. My heart cries out for the nations; it’s where I want to be.
It was easy to transition back to America, a life of big beds, hot showers, my own car, and feel almost as if I never left. Sometimes it feels like the Race was some extravagant and extremely vivid dream.
But then I have these moments where I feel like an alien in my homeland. I feel like I don’t belong here. This isn’t where I’m supposed to be. I miss my teammates. I miss our contacts. I miss playing with orphans. I miss worship World Race style. I miss the excitment of the unknown that each day would bring.
I know God is here with me. I know he has me here for a reason. I know that it’s important for me to see my family, friends, supporters. It’s important to share what God has done in my life this year and what He’s continuing to do. I know that God has already revealed what’s next for me and I don’t have anything to worry about. Yet, I struggle.
I’m here, but my heart is there. I love my friends and family, but I miss the world.
