When freedom came knocking, I ran. I was stuck in a prison , but it seemed I liked it there better than facing what lay on the outside. The door was open, but I couldn’t get myself to leave. What was holding me back?
The past month I had been going through a very hard season.
A season where I have been living with one hand, holding onto the truth and with the other hand, holding onto the lies. It seemed rather fine to still hold onto some of the hurts and pains of the past because it was a process that I was going through. It seemed normal to listen to the lies that said I had to remain under the influence of painful things that had been done to me. The least that I could ask for was some sympathy, right?
Yet, I found myself over time spending a little longer listening to the voice of lies, and then I found myself sitting and soaking up the lies until the voice was becoming my own. I traded in the real truth for a pseudo reality that was easier to believe.
How could a God who has allowed hurtful things in my life, actually love and protect me?
Why should I keep investing my time in people when so often, they have caused the deepest wounds?
After a lengthy contemplation, with time just proving itself to me over and over again,
I decided that it was better to be alone.
So I resorted back to what I used to do: build up high walls to keep people away, harden my heart to feel numb in case pain ever tried to present itself, in that hardness, become mean and uncaring as a mechanism to truly shut people out.
So throughout that month I looked like a bi-polar mess.
One minute I was full of love as I believed the truth, the next moment I was bitter and cold when the lies were pressing up against the wounds of my heart.
There just came a point where I could no longer live in the in-between, I had to choose to believe the lies or to believe the truth.
If I was as unlovable as I believed that I was, then I might as well become that unlovable woman.
So, I hid in my closet and wrote out all the things I now believed:
“It’s better to be alone where it’s safe.”
“ I will never be good enough.”
“I am a broken mess.”
“ The process is not worth it, I’d rather be numb.”
And for the rest of that day I resembled someone and something that looked nothing like the true me, and I even scared myself.
Yet, the morning sun rose, and with it came hope, though I didn’t know it yet.
The truth began to present itself to me in a way that I was able to finally hear it.
Like a guitar needs the strings to produce a beautiful sound, so the strings need each other to be all that they can be.
Each string carries a different sound. No string on it’s own amplifies the fullness of what it could be combined with the rest, especially if it is un-tuned.
In the same way, I realized that I was a string trying to be safe on my own, but I really need to be with others to be used to my fullest potential.
I also was trying to function as an un-tuned string, thus resonating an ‘off’ sound in my life. What the Lord was trying to do was ‘tune’ me, but it was the process that I didn’t like. I thought that it simply hurt too much.
But through this example I ultimately realized that it is not better to be alone- a single string resonating an awful, less than complimentary sound.
What was it about the process that made me give up?
I felt that I never have been, and never could be good enough.
Instead of being an unlovable and broken mess, the Lord had actually been speaking the truth over me the whole time. He called me loved, more than enough, never alone, beautiful, whole, new, and so much more.
I was so busy living in a victim mentality, that the truth sounded weak.
I wanted to be strong and I wanted to protect myself. By putting up walls and trusting the instinct of my hurts, I could be the strong woman that I wanted to be.
But I was doing it all wrong.
The story of our lives doesn’t start when we choose to be the victim, it starts when we decide to be the victor.
You can’t move forward until you let go and leave the past behind you.
Victims are weak, victors are strong.
Until you make the conscious decision to be a victor you will still be holding onto to both sides. You become a victor when you let go of the lies, and cling entirely to the truth.
Only the truth can set you free.
So, through all of this process, I finally chose to let go of my victim mentality and it is only through Christ that I could do that.
Once you know this truth, you are to walk in the truth boldly.
You don’t have to stay in your bondage and hurt. Through choosing the truth of Christ, those deep wounds can be healed! You can live redeemed and pure, and full of joy that comes from knowing the love of the Father.
His truth shines in the darkness. His love is a free gift, why do we run away from it?
The truth is this:
His love is unlike any other love that we could know; even the greatest and most beautiful love pales in comparison. His love is perfect and unchanging. It stays the same no matter who I am or what I’ve done. It’s a love that heals with just one touch. It’s a love so strong that it makes people uncomfortable. It either hardens or softens, but it never comes neutral. It is unique in every way, and more satisfying than anything in this world. It’s a love that is free, and if you only ask, he will pour it out on you.
He loves you. He knows your name. He has a plan for your life. He sees your pains. He sees your past. And yet, He’s calling you, calling you by your very own name.
“Come to me and find rest, come to me and let me lavish my love on you. You are precious, I am proud of you, you are mine. “
