Upon arriving to Ecuador my relationship with God had gotten very great. I was able to hear from Him daily and see so many signs that I knew were from Him. When I got to Ecuador however, that all changed.
I feel the presence of the Lord through worship music. I love sitting and freely accepting the Spirit and letting it cover me. When I got to Ecuador I did not feel anything, though. I thought it might be a one time thing but every time we had worship I felt nothing. I began to ask God why and got no reply.
We did several listening prayer activities this month during all squad month. One night a squad mate came up and put her hand on my shoulder to be prayed over. I did not know who it was but asked the Lord to give me a word, phrase, or picture that would speak to this individual. I was honestly scared to death because I had not heard from God and did not want to tell this individual that I got nothing for her. God did tell me something that resignated with her, however. I was pu,ped and felt like this would be the point where God would start talking to me again.
I was wrong, though. Prayer after prayer and worship song after another of pleading with the Father of why He wasn’t speaking to me. For valentine’s day the men of the group bought roses for each of the women and wrote them anonymous letters of encouragement. I sat down with the four ladies I had picked and began to write their letters. I felt the Lord using my words to speak to them but again, I was nervous to speak into someone’s life when I myself, haven’t been hearing from God. I heard one girl in particular after she read her note telling people it spoke directly into her life.
A couple weeks after this i got a stomach bug and had to miss ministry to stay home and rest. One of the other guys on the team gave me a book called, “From Spiritual Slavery To Spiritual Sonship.” This book tells of someone living with an orphan heart compared to living in sonship with the Father. My main prayer for this year was to learn how to become a man a of God. After starting this book I realized I had an orphan heart. I was holding onto grudges from past relationships that were really holding me back from fully living as a son of Christ.
We had team time last night where we did listening prayer, again. This time however we prayed for God to speak to us individually. Worship music started playing and I got super nervous again because the goal was to share what the Lord put on our hearts. I was worried I would get nothing. I began to pray and as soon as I said, “Father” I felt the Holy Spirit flood me like it never had before! I very clearly heard God say, “See, I never left you.” I instantly began to cry and become overwhelmed with emotions! There was a moment during a song where I was swaying back and forth and I physically felt the Holy Spirit put His arms around me and hold me. I instantly got chills.
God spoke to me so much in that 15 minutes that it made not hearing from Him for a month perfectly fine. He told me all I needed to do was trust Him. He used me to speak to others and the words He gave me helped them in their walk. Just because it wasn’t the way I thought it should be doesn’t mean God wasn’t still speaking to me.
He very clearly showed me that I cannot be a man of God until I first become a son of Him. I had a teammate during listening prayer last month tell me God told her I needed the words “you are valued, you have worth.” I’ve always struggled with my worth in the Lord but last night, I felt all the insecurities of worthless flee from me. For the first time EVER I felt worthy to be called a son of the Heavenly Father!
This month was filled with ups and downs spiritually, emotionally, and physically and I was in the dumps and questioning if this was for me. Why be here in these countries and be homesick, uncomfortable, and feel nothing from God. His timing is beautiful and through all my shed tears I was able to release the things holding me back and now feel overwhelmed with love from my Father.
