When I was a sophomore in college, I was lucky enough to meet the loves of my lives. At the time I was a scared, broken nineteen year old girl with rising , daunting mountains of insecurities and a broken relationship with my Father. I was floundering in a sea of inadequacy and self-hatred, futilely grasping at worldly think to keep me afloat. My roommate- to whom I will be forever grateful- begged me to come to Lutheran Happening of the South with her and I felt that I could not say no to her again even though I wanted to. That was all it took, that little push of courage from some place deep within. I often think that was the part of me I had buried, the part that desired God above all things. We don’t think of a weekend as a long time, I mean they go buy so quickly when we have a test the following Monday, but what a weekend lacks in hours it makes up for with infinite possibility. Going to Happening that weekend changed my life, no; it saved my life.
I never thought that I was worth love. This is not to say that I was never loved – I was and am- but until that weekend I didn’t really believe it or feel deserving of it. What I experienced that weekend cannot be truly expressed in words because it was not understood with words, but rather love and action. Complete strangers were hugging and holding me. They prayed for me before they had even met me. They took me, me and said, “You are good enough for us, for God to love.” We often think of people seeing through us as a bad thing but in this case it was the best thing. I was blessed to have these people see through me because who I was at the time was not the real me. They saw past the façade and saw me, loved me. I was broken and remade that weekend. I had all of the things that were marring me to my life of pain and loneliness removed and I felt free and light. I felt swaddled in the acceptance that I had craved my whole life. Not only did this weekend make me feel loved by my siblings in Christ, but also by Christ Himself. I felt like all of the people there were leading me to my Lord with their actions and words. They helped me realize how much I needed Him. The people I met that weekend and have continued to meet at every Happening I have staffed since have been my partners on my walk with Christ.
Since my acceptance onto the Race, these people that are dearer to my heart that many people I have known my whole life have been nothing but supportive. I am so blessed to have people that not only hunger for God, but hunger for me to know God in my life.
Today I said goodbye to many of these loves for over a year. My heart broke into a million pieces and I broke down more with each hug. That amazing thing was through my tears they all individually said the same thing as if they had planned it. They said they were so proud of me and that they loved me and knew I would do great things. This only made me cry more because I knew that I would not have their constant love and support. As I was driving home I realized that feeling that way , that not having them in close proximity somehow negated the deep love we share, was an affront to that love. How could I question a relationship that was cemented in God and His love? Who was I to criticize that? I didn’t realize how much you changed my life until you took and intermission from it. So what follows is more than anything, a love letter I wrote a few weeks ago to my siblings in Christ from and not from Happening.
I am not sad; I am just seeing everything with new eyes. I am only now taking in the beauty of you, who you are, and what you have done in my life. These tears of mine are of profound love for you; a depth I cannot truly comprehend. I am at such terrifying peace in this moment and can see you for your worth. The love I feel at this moment is overwhelming and beautiful. In every moment it is kindled anew like a star bursting in magnificent radiance then pulling itself together from the very center of its being only to erupt again and again for infinity. I am realizing now, over and over, that nothing is inconsequential because nothing is permanent. The only promises we have, the only certainties, are God’s terrifying, consuming love and change. One of the only certain things in life is to be forever uncertain, to hope; that is breathtaking. To realize this, to know, is more than I can contain. I read, “How may I be tranquil if I love so much?” Now I understand that you can’t and that is the beauty of it. Love gives you peace but peace does not equate tranquility. Tranquility implies freedom from disturbance but that’s what love is, what God is. It is a reverberating, “NO! I won’t leave you alone. I will bombard and swaddle you with something ever better and sating.” This is change. We change and undergo change because it gives us the opportunity to be perpetually closer to Him. The only thing that we are certain of, the only thing we know is that we will never truly know or understand and that is edifying.
Other cultures have words that encompass emotions or sensations. I have searched for one that means the feeling of haunting beauty and truth, of being so blessed and thankful that your heart breaks for those who don’t feel the same, of being broken thoroughly and thoroughly whole simultaneously, of being so incandescently happy to sing praise while being inexplicably devastated. Today, in this moment with these new eyes, I have; love, God’s love, my love, your love. The depth of human emotion is a dry well that we are scraping the bottom of only to remain parched. By saying, “God, I’m desperate but more importantly I am desperate for you,” we are able to fill that well. This is not for our own benefit but rather for those we touch. Love, real love, God’s Love isn’t for us to hold within ourselves but rather for us to give away freely and without hesitation. That is the miracle of it. We feel it most not when we hoard it like miser’s gold, but when we throw it away with both hands. That is how I love you; without apology or thought of myself. By giving you all of the love I have, I feel God’s Love; that’s what you mean to me. I love all with abandon but that has led to the criticism and devaluing of my love. Sometimes I wonder how this world came to pass, how this hate and nonchalance has settled into our hearts and souls. What has cemented this distance between our spirits and made love in earnest doubted more than anything else?
To say that I love you as much as a stranger is not a falsity nor is it to say that I love you little bur rather that I love them much. Sometimes my heart feels as though it might break for all of the love I feel when I look at someone I do not know because they are more than characters in the story of my life; they are my brothers and sisters that have stories of their own. In this I am sondering and free. This does not mean that you are not special to me; you are so very special to me. It kills me to think that you do not realize how special you are. I love you uniquely and because that is what you are to me. You are infinitely important to me. I am often confused by this love and doubt if it is possible for me to love this way and do it justice; it is not. God is the only one who can love that way. So it is not my pittance of love that I want to give you but the love that God gave me. God loves us all the same amount in varying ways and complexities. He knows us by name. I know your name; it is etched on my heart forever. There will never be another who touched my heart in the way and to the depth that you did. We all leave marks on the souls of those we love and on our own by loving them. My soul is more ornate because of you.
