I was born and raised in a Christian home, and was baptized into the Presbyterian church as an infant, and practically grew up in the church, and this was where my Christian identity was founded. I had accepted Christ into my heart at a young age, but didn’t take it seriously until my senior year of HS. I went off to college, graduating in 4 years, and began my career working for the government.
Once I had entered the workforce, slowly my mindset began to change, and as a result my faith & my Christian identity took a hit. Before I would go to church on Sunday, but in my line of work if you worked on Sunday it meant more money, which to me meant more money in my paycheck to have fun. I fell into this cycle, and before I knew it I had given up going to church, and over time I had eventually lost my Christian identity, and all that was assoicated with church and being a Christian. In the end, my desire to make money took over, and I put my career first before God & church.
During this time, I was living my best life. When I wasn’t working I was out having fun in so many ways, and living in the big city only added to my desires, and there were times that would enjoy a drink more so then I would normally. I had gone from a good person to a prideful, cocky, self centered, greedy workaholic over time, and stayed that way.
My Christian identity was long gone as I didn’t have a Bible in my place, and even to the point that I didn’t even see the point of prayer, and had the attitude of that everything that I got was out of pure luck & not anything from God. I had officially shut God out of my life.
Then out of no where, my life went downhill
November 2008
3 things happened during this month that would change my life.
1. The economy crashed
2. I discovered Bible Study Fellowship (BSF)
3. A little black & white Pomeranian named Chase came into my life.
I had just finished up my second long term seasonal job with the NPS, and was home when the economy crashed. At first I really didn’t think much of it and how it would affect me, but as time passed, I ended up being just 1 of the millions of people who were long termed unemployed because of it.
2009- Summer of 2012: My Dark Time
I must admit that early on during what ended up being my “dark time” I had remained hopeful about finding a job that was in my field, and not in the food or retail business as at that time I felt like both of those lines of work were beneath me. So I continued to do it my way, and the thought of asking God for his guidence never really crossed my mind.
As the weeks and months stretched into years, I still had no job, and I was getting frustrated for I was questioning what was wrong with me that no one would hire me. I began to have feelings of self doubt, and lack of self worth which would lead to unhealthy habits which would then lead me to gain weight to the point of by the end of it- I weighed well over 250 lbs, and felt like crap all around which would also lead to poor body image views of myself. As a result, I was physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually broken, and had became severely depressed about it all, but no one knew that at the time cause I sucked it up.
By the summer of 2012, I had reached my breaking point. I felt like I wasn’t loved by anyone, my relationships/social life was either being strained or non exsistant, I felt like I was a burden on everyone, and honesty felt like the world would be a better place without me. I had thoughts of committing suicide, and I had it all planned out as to when and how I was going to do it.
A couple months before I had planned to do it, I was broken, and in turn gave one final plea to God for help me as a way to test him to see if he really wanted me or not. God responded in the way of me being asked to be an adult chaperone for the HS youth mission trip to Kokomo Indiana. I was reluctant to go, but I obeyed and went on the trip. Over the course of that week, God showed me what I had hoped for, and that was that compared to others my life was good, and that he did want to pursue me, and that while I did not know it, he had great plans for me, but only if I chose to go back to him, and surrender it all to him. I gave him my YES! and felt as if a weight had been lifted off of me.
4 months later, God blessed me with a job in the retail world , no less, but I took it and kept it for almost 6 years before God called me to leave that job, and be a missionary for a year (That’s another story in itself)
BSF also turned out to be a huge blessing to me in the way that it helped me build relationships with other young adults who were Christian, and gave me back a social life which had been lacking for all those years. Attending BSF also helped to to reestablish my Christian identity, and that was a huge lift for me given how much of a big deal it was for me growing up and having that church community again. It was because of that reason that I put more of a priority on once again going to church most Sundays, and that in turn has led to a huge blessing in my life by means of an awesome friendship.
I had Chase in my life for 11 years before I had to put him down last April due to complications from cancer. During my dark time, Chase was one of the things that motivated me to get up each day as I felt a duty to take care of him, and it gave me a sense of worth because Chase needed me, and I needed him as he helped to save my life. I would talk to him, and he would always listen, and never judged me.
So yeah that is my testimony to my faith, and I still struggle at times with feeling down, but now I know how to deal with those times in a healthy way. I am loving my life now more then ever & I give all the glory to God for that cause without him I am nothing.
Til next time your Fellow Sister in Christ,
Bonnie
Team SC
P Squad
Psalms 18:2
YOLO
