Dear Emily,
I miss you lil obnoxious girl! Remember when you used to call me that? How I’d tell you to never call me that again and you spend hours trying to convince me it was the most endearing compliment. I wish I never fought you on that because what I wouldn’t give to hear you call me that just one more time.
I see you everywhere these days. You’re in the sunrise over the mountains, the wind that rustles the grass, the mist that rolls in every morning and disappears too quickly, just like you. I hear your laughter in the laugh of child I meet. I see your constant wonder, hope, and fiery red hair in the marigolds that run wild on these hills.
Honestly Em, I’m struggling these days. I miss my people. I miss you. I have this reoccurring dream of coming home to everyone and you’re there waiting for me too. It’s always so real and when I wake I have to remind myself you wont be there, you never will. Every time I feel the tidal wave of grief wash over me once more. Why’d you have to leave so soon?
Since I left for the race I’ve had a lot of time to think and process. It’s really a gift all the time we have to be still. Did you ever think you’d hear me say those words?? Me either girl! We both know how bad I am at being still. I always admired that in you. Your ability to know when your soul needed rest. You’d be pleased to know I’m learning now little by little about soul care. But anyway, with all this time to think, I’ve realized a part of me never truly grieved you leaving. I’m sorry for that. You deserved so much more than I gave you after the accident. I couldn’t talk about you or how I felt and I’m sorry. I never went to see you; I still haven’t visited. I know if this was reversed you’d of been to see me so many times already. I just can’t do it Em. I need to keep you alive in my mind as long as possible.
I never got a chance to thank you for leaving me people, the best people to walk through missing you with. I couldn’t of done it without those girls, you knew that though didn’t you? I see you in each of them. They carry a piece of you, every single one of them. I’ve never been able to figure out how you poured yourself out so generously over everyone you met and still managed to be the most alive, whole, overflowing, radiant person I’ve ever met.
Sometimes I feel guilty when I think about how things turned out. I know it’s not what you’d want. I know it’s not the truth. But sometimes its just hard for me to grapple with the fact that it took you loosing your life to give me a new chance at mine. I know I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for you. I would never of had the urgency of living like I do now if you wouldn’t of left so early. I wouldn’t of had the courage to step out in faith or pursue my dreams without you. I hate that it took losing you for me to gain so much but honestly Em, I could never thank you enough. For the first time since you left, I’m proud of who I am. Gosh it’s just been so long Em, and so much has changed. Sometimes I wonder if you’d even recognize me now. So much of who I am today though is because of you, so maybe you would. I bet you’d make fun of my obsession with Chacos. I can hear you now sayin “I told ya so!” with your classic smirk. You were right about a lot of things. I only wish I realized it when you were still here to help me navigate it all. Thank you for being my best friend and giving me infinite reasons to miss you. Thank you for inspiring me to live and live well.
Last month, one of my friends on the squad Ali, sat me down and wanted to know about you. Sometimes you’re really hard for me to talk about but I promise I’ll never keep your story quiet. One of my favorite quotes and one that always reminds me of you is, “I will tell her story. I will cry for as long as it takes, for she is worthy of my tears.” I promise to work hard at keeping your memory alive. So I sat down and I talked about you to someone who never got the gift of knowing you. I told stories and I laughed and cried. By the end of it, Ali was in tears too, grieving the loss of never getting the chance to know you. She wrote a song about you though, about the things I told her. How she so perfectly captured how missing you feels sometimes, I’ll never know but one of my favorite lines is “I’ll tell my girls they’re beautiful and about Auntie Emily in heaven above.” I can’t wait to tell my daughters their beautiful like we promised we’re do together, and I’ll tell them all about you Em.
There’s so many people I want you to meet and so many that I want to meet you. I guess that number will continue to grow as the years gone on. I’ll love you forever. Thanks for making me smile even now. Also, happy almost birthday!! I’ll be celebrating you here in Nepal!
Love,
Your salt bagel loving bestie
Blair Grace
PS: here’s the song Ali wrote
You had a way of making little things special
Saw the goodness in everything
You had joy as big as the sun
So radiant, oh, so radiant
You always had so much to say
But somehow your words were gentle and kind
Every night we’d share our souls
And you’d make mine come alive
How I miss your sweet advice
So radiant, oh, so radiant
You still lift me up, bring me joy when times are tough
I’ll love you forever and long after you’re, gone, gone, gone
Wish I could come visit you
But you’re still with me in the sun and rain
In the mountains and the waves you are free
So free, oh, so free
I bet there’s a concert in heaven everyday
And that you’ve made lots of new friends
Since you’re all family now
One day I’ll be there with you
I’ll bring my bible and we’ll make a date for two
So here’s another pact, one day I’ll meet you where you’re at
I’ll tell my girls they’re beautiful
And about Auntie Emily in heaven above
