Before arriving in Botswana for our fifth month on the race. My squad made a three day pit stop in South Africa. We were chosen, along with two other squads, to be a part of a Regional Awakening. Racers and hosts from all over South Africa came together to be filled up, and to pour out. Over the past four months the Lord has been teaching me about abiding in his presence and I was asked to give a teaching at the Awakening.
Here is what the Lord gave me to share:
“To abide means to constant or frequent residence. So where you abide, you live, and where you live you draw your life. We were all intrinsically designed to abide. We are designed to draw life from something. It’s been written on our hearts. The problem arises when we abide in the wrong things and for most of my life, that was me.
I grew up in a Christian home with incredible parents who loved the lord. I knew who Jesus was at a very young age, actually, I don’t really ever remember not knowing who Jesus was. The thing is, knowing who Jesus is and believing in Him, are very different from abiding in Him. Going into high school and even college, as my world got bigger, I began to be swayed by the world around me. People’s opinions affected me. I craved affirmation because it filled me with excitement and exhilaration even if it lasted just 30 seconds. When it faded I was on the hunt again for the next thing to give me a sense of life and fulfillment. I had no idea the fullness of live that was at my fingertips if I just would abide in the Lord, or take up residence in his presence. I thought that loving him and trying to build a relationship with him was enough. Unfortunately, the reality is, if we are not abiding in Christ, we are abiding in something else. And We cannot abide in two things at once. We cannot live in two places at once. We cannot abide in Christ and also this world. If we’re not drawing life from Christ, we are attempting to draw life from someplace else, which is can feel good for a moment but it fades quicker than it came and leaves even more longing in its place.
“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” – John 15:4-11
When we abide in our true vine, we receive true life, and we bare fruit. Fruit is the manifestation of the vine itself. It is a byproduct that naturally flows from a branch attached to a vine supplying nutrients. A branch detached from a vine can do nothing. It is impossible for a branch, apart from the vine, to think a fruit into existence. Likewise, it is impossible for us, apart from Christ, to think peace into existence, to think joy into existence or to think patience into existence. Have you ever tried? Like have you truly ever tried to think yourself into having peace or patience or joy? It’s impossible. 2 years ago my best friend was killed in a car accident. I remember so many times trying to think joy into my life in the months after. I was sick of living under the cloud of depression and so I tried on my own to create joy. I couldn’t. Apart from the Lord my joy was attached to my circumstances and my circumstances did not make sense, nor were they conducive to baring joy. My inability to create my own joy only brought more discouragement, frustration, and heartbreak. Apart from our true vine, the things of this world are too much for us to rationalize baring fruit. Even in the small things. Like I am a terribly impatient driver. I get quickly frustrated when another driver does something that’s in my eyes completely rude or dangerous. In my quick temper my thoughts are not baring good fruit. This expands so all avenues of life. On the race how often are we in tight living spaces and constantly surrounded our teams? Without abiding in the Lord it’s literally impossible to live in such constant community and not be frustrated. Peace and patience and joy are gifts, supernatural gifts from our father. It says in scripture that the Lord gives a peace that passes all understanding. It’s beyond our understanding because the fruit of the Lord is not attached to circumstances that change but rather attached to him who is constant. They are a manifestation of who he is in us as we abide and derive our life from him.
This past month, the lord has taught me about peace, about what it looks like to sit in the stillness of his presence, to take up residence in him and to receive the fruit that comes. I’m a huge extrovert and for the longest time I believed that being outgoing and excited about life was mutually exclusive with being a peace barer. I thought peace and meekness were for the quite people and joy was for me. And because of that, people were my functional vine. The race magnified that. Living in community with no room to be alone, I constantly felt like I had to be on for people. I felt like if I wasn’t outgoing or excited I wasn’t enough. My attempts at gaining fulfillment from people were running me into the ground. For most of my life, even when I knew Jesus, even when I fully loved him and had a relationship with him, I was attempting to derive my life and my purpose from the people around me and my fruit showed it, or honestly my lack of fruit showed it.
There are so many false vines out there and some of the look good. For me, the false vine that I was abiding in was actually intended to be a gift from the Lord, a way for me to interact with the world around me. I was created to love people. I was created to crave relationships and have joy and excitement. All of that is good, but when I attached myself to this false vine, what was intended for good actually brought destruction in my life. False vines over promise and under deliver. False vines offer us momentary satisfaction when the true vine offers eternal abundance. If fruit is a manifestation of the vine it’s growing from, then when we’re attached to a false vine our fruit is dead. When my vine is people, I am anxious. I am impatient and my words are cutting. Attached to the wrong vine I cannot be who I was created to be. Some false vines really can appear to be good but even if in the best case scenario, attached to a false vine I produce no fruit, only leaves, I’m still not fulfilling my purpose, I’m not manifesting the vine. And it says in John 15:8 “By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples.”
Our attachment to the true vine has eternal weight. When we abide we manifest Christ to this world. We were created to be tangible representations of him in a world desperately searching for the source of life, searching for the true vine. If we are not abiding, the people around us will not see Christ in us. If we are not abiding, we are missing opportunities to reveal the Lord’s heart to people who desperate need to know him.
In the first few months of the race it became undeniable that I was abiding in the wrong vine while trying to pursue a relationship with the true vine. Even just in the first month, I was overwhelmed and drained because apart from the Lord, I could not receive rest or be filled. Month three while in Vietnam I finally came to a breaking point. I felt like I was reaching out for the Lord, for my true vine, while clinging to my false and functional vine of people. I was miserable. I missed home and I was easily annoyed. I was constantly fighting lies and self deprecating thoughts that began to suffocate me. I was anxious and exhausted. I confessed to my team that I felt like I was standing in front of a wall that was separating me from God and that I knew I was the wall. Looking back on it now I see myself craving the abundant life that flows from abiding in Christ but unable to detach myself from abiding in people and in the world. But thankfully, the Lord is a good gardener and he knew what I needed. He cut away what was dead so that when I did abide in him I was filled with nothing but his life that flows from the source. Let me tell you a secret though, it hurts. It was the last thing from easy for me to release my false vine for multiple reasons.
First, there is something to be said about momentary satisfaction from people. It’s not a false vine because it doesn’t feel good, it’s a false vine because there is something in it that does bring exhilaration, even if it’s fleeting. I crave affirmation but my creator craves to be the one to provide it. I turn to the world to encourage me and the good feelings last for maybe 30 seconds. But my creator wants to allure me and speak tenderly, more than affirmation, but words of truth. When I abide in my false vine I’m abiding in momentary satisfaction. Compliments and affirmation fade away but truth is eternal.
Second, do y’all know what fomo is? The fear of missing out, well I was afraid if I created space for me to be still and alone with the Lord, if I created the space for myself to truly abide in him, that I would miss out on things happening during that time I spent with the Lord. What I found is that on my own, I was a shell of who I was created to be. Spending time alone with the Lord, truly abiding in his presence brought a supernatural love, and from that flowed a supernatural peace and from that flowed a supernatural joy. When I am abiding in him, spending time alone and still in his presence I’m a healthy extrovert. I have the ability to love people bigger and better because it’s no longer my love, but rather the Father’s love flowing from him, to me, and then out to the world.
So there are lots of false vines that offer us false fruit of momentary satisfaction when we abide in them, but the creator of everything, the source of life, is the one true vine and he is offering eternal abundance if abide in him. This world needs us to abide. This world needs us to come fully alive. This world needs to see Christ manifested through the fruit we bare. This is how he is glorified.
Abide.”
When I gave this teaching, I had no idea what the next day would hold. If you haven’t read my previous blog, I was assaulted at the bus station moments after arriving in Botswana. While on stage, sharing what the Lord put on my heart, I was completely unaware that I was actually preparing my own heart for what was to come. “I tried on my own to create joy. I couldn’t. Apart from the Lord my joy was attached to my circumstances and my circumstances did not make sense, nor were they conducive to baring joy.” I had no idea that these words would be the cry of my heart only 24 hours later.
So today I sit in the back room of a little house in Gaborone Botswana and I chose to abide in the Lord, because nothing really makes sense about what has happened in the past week. I choose the Lord because apart from him I have no hope and no joy. I choose to abide because this world needs me to abide, because this world needs to see Christ in me, especially in the way I respond to things that don’t make sense.
“Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.” – Phil 1:19-20
“Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” – Matt 5:11-12
