It’s
time to just let Jesus be Jesus. I can’t quite define what that is, but I can
tell you what it looks like. The past few days with some members of my squad,
I’ve seen Jesus be Jesus. It’s not like he hasn’t been around or he hasn’t been
working, I’ve just been focusing on me, and not looking at him.
I
started looking at him and meeting him face to face and he revealed himself, he
made me more like him. I see him in my friend Eunice I met on the dolla dolla.
I see him in the woman we led to Christ, dancing and singing for joy at church
in front of everyone. I see him in the
pastor that serves us like a champ. I see him in my squad mates that chase hard
after Jesus’ heart. I see him when my brother is weeping and getting his
healing. I see him when I dance with the BeBe’s and pray with them to receive Christ. I see him in Barack’s smile after he came to Jesus. I see him when I lead a muslim girl named Adija to Christ. I see him in the
men I talk to on the street when they hit on me. I see him when I hold a baby
sick with malaria. I see him when I spend time making my muslim friends laugh.
I see him on the street when I greet all the mommies I’ve met. I see him in me.
I
feel alive. I feel important to him and I recognize now that I was missing out
on his gentle whisper more than I thought. I feel like his daughter and I feel
beautiful and I know I am! All I want to do is make him smile because I am the
apple of his actual eye.
I
needed to take a step back last week in order to take a jump ahead. I needed to
be desperate for what he’s desperate for, and by George we got it. He grabbed a
hold of my complacent, lazy, prideful heart and I couldn’t resist. Now, I’m
pretty much unstoppable, and I’m more on fire in month 8 than I ever thought I
would be.
All
I keep thinking is, I’m changed, He’s changed me and it’s so life giving. A
couple weeks ago, all I wanted to do was leave Africa, and do what I want and
care for myself. Now, I’m thinking about how I’m going to miss being in Africa,
who I will miss and how sad I feel saying goodbye. I have fallen in love with
the people here and I wouldn’t be too quick to say I’ve fallen in love with everything
about Africa, but my heart has changed.
He’s
used me to speak into people’s lives everyday. Each day, I ask him to use me
and each day, he does. People are so open and loving, and I’m so grateful to
even be here. I may be dirty more than I like and sick every week, but I
wouldn’t take back my months here. I wish I could actually take back the weeks
that I complained, and got frustrated. I am thankful for the past two months
that God has redeemed me and shown up.
I’m
giving Jesus room to be Jesus. I’m desperate to give him room in my life and
not put him in the safe zone. I want him to surprise me with his endless love.
Use me to love people that are hopeless. Show me how to love big and what it
looks like to love people right where they’re at. I want more freedom and more
boldness. I want to make up for any lost time and getting after it like never
before. There’s no impossibilities or boundaries that I’m believing in. My
heart is sold on Jesus’ love. I just can’t stop loving him, and he has all the
room to shake me up and love on me.
