580 dollars, what? The agent told me it would be a $175
change fee when I called in November. No, no…that’s not accurate Miss Foreman,
sorry. This is the only thing I can find. Can you look at different dates to
fly home, how about April instead of March, what about a different city? Sorry,
that’s more expensive. This is what you have to pay and you better book it
soon, because these fares could go up.
This is a conversation that started with the United ticket agents last Friday night…..and continued through the weekend.
So, there’s no other
option? There’s nothing else you can do…?
No, these are your options.
I got off the phone
feeling frustrated and overwhelmed.
I got on skype with my
friend Doug and he gave me his united number which I decided to call the
following day. I thought, maybe calling a different department will give me a better
outcome. It’s worth a try…
The following day, I woke
up anxious….journaled a lot and felt stressed. Your word says, don’t be anxious
for anything, but pray. I’m doing that and I still feel anxious…I can’t do this
anymore. I hate not having money. I hate everything being so difficult. I just
want to fly home and not have to fight this…please help me God!
I feel tapped, God.
Just stretched so thin. I can’t live as a missionary anymore. I WANT TO BE
NORMAL….
I don’t know how to
just be normal again, but why do I have to everything be so epic? Where I live,
what I do, where I go and the vision I have? Is that you or me?
I just want to live in
my bathing suit, live where it’s hot, learn how to surf, have a dog and be in
love…it just sounds so simple.
What about the oppressed, Birkleigh? I know, God…I know, I can’t get them out of
my head even if I try. I want to just stay home today, and just be alone, quiet
and have you figure out my life for me. I want to stop so I can figure it out
better. Go love the oppressed, Birkleigh.
I don’t even know how
to love myself well. Be still, I will teach you, through loving
them.
So I got on a bus to
Fuengirola ( a bigger city near us)
And then got on a
train with 9 others from G42 and we headed to Guadalhorce in Andalucia, Spain..
I got off the train
and felt blah. I knew what was expected of me, but I felt ill-equipped for the
mission ahead.
Love the women on the street.
After a short pow-wow,
prayer time and breaking up into teams, I set out with John and Kate. We were
walking the streets handing out flowers and giving cookies to the girls.
Praying along the way we meet girl after girl. Romanian girls, then the
Nigerian girls who willingly let us pray for them and speak God’s truth into
their lives. Then Bulgarian girls. and a Brazilian woman…who invited us into
her home!
There names are Beautiful. Redeemed. Chosen.
Purified. Queens. Beloved.
Moments were flying by
and so were my anxieties, questions and apathy. My mind was focused on loving
and serving them, and my heart was full.
We’re working on a
solution for you girls. You’re not forgotten. We come here every week. Will you
be here in this area next week?
This is what I told them….
Let’s meet for coffee.
Would you want to? Yes, please, one Nigerian woman said.
Girl after girl stood
on the streets whistling and waving down cars. Most passed them by, some
stopped, and all of them hate their jobs!
I left after talking
to the girls and I was feeling peace for the first time. Peace because I know He
loves them, and we loved them too. I didn’t feel discouraged that we couldn’t
rescue them right then and there, because I introduced them to Christ and that
is hope, unconditional love and mercy. We are praying for and with them, we are
going out, we are speaking truth and we are working on a solution. Change is
coming!!!
I believe!
I arrived home and
knew that I had to call United again to sort out my flight home…
$3500 for a one way
ticket….You’ve got to be kidding me, so there’s nothing you can do?
The lady puts me on
hold….
Now it’s time for
inner dialogue…..and waiting time.
I’ll look on
facebook…oh, awesome, another friend of mine is engaged! I’m happy and feeling
like crap again…when will this feeling go away? AHHHH
Eekk…my ex-boyfriends
on my sidebar as a friend, I never go on his page…I wonder what he changed his
profile picture too. I shouldn’t go on his page, it never makes me feel better.
It’s like looking through all my friends engagement photos when I’m
single…happy at first, and then soon I feel like poo. Ah, while I’m waiting,
I’ll just check…okay, theory was correct, I shouldn’t go on here, it doesn’t
ever make me feel better.
Healing takes
time, Beloved.
The United agent is
back on the phone, okay… so it’s going to be…
$1480 for you to
change your ticket. Sorry, that’s all I can do…how do you want to pay? I don’t
have this money. I’m in school and I’m a missionary and I can’t work in Spain.
I give her my reasons, and she is frustrated! I’m sorry, I just don’t have that.
Ah, the discouraging thoughts came back which included.. all my friends
getting engaged thought, now ex-boyfriend rejection is knocking at my door…I
can’t take it. I’m going to break! Here we go, I’m crying on the phone with an
United Agent and I don’t even know her name…I know she’s talking to me, but the
words aren’t processing. Everything else is bombarding me instead. I’m having a
legitimate breakdown on the phone with a stranger.
She hears me crying
and tells me to hold on, she’s going to check another thing and get back to me.
I wait. I cry.
She comes back and
says in a impatient voice, can you do $360? Yes, I can..and without looking
at my bank account I just said yes. I was afraid she was going to hang up on me
if I argued this down. It was the best price I heard…She started calming me down and explaining how she has a 27 year old daughter and that she’s happy to help me. Wow, what a change in attitude.
I was grateful and
tired….and we hung up after securing my flight home to the L.A. on March 31st.
It was a miracle of all miracles with an airline. I sighed with relief and talked
with my buddy Doug one more time to thank him…I said, Doug, I think I’m just
burnt out, bro! I am just burnt out on support raising and being a missionary.
I hate to admit it but it’s freeing to say that I’m looking forward to life
back in states. I’m looking forward to working, having roots and consistency. I
really can’t wait!!
He listened. He gave
advice and we hung up..
Then I talked with my
homegirl Daina and told her that I was loosing my
bubble bility which
means that I’m stretched thin, about to break and feeling stale…with my love
for this life, of being transient, not having roots and not having steady
income. We laughed. She understood. It was good…I told her,
I’ve got a migraine
from crying and I’ve gotta go…love you!
I’m arrive home and try to sleep..
It’s 130 a.m. and so many thoughts are running through my head. I’m
relieved and grateful for my flight home but I don’t have any answers. There are no new developments in the
plan, but I feel different. I feel real. I feel like I bleed red and not super
hero blue! I’m not a superhero
missionary that blows everyone away by her epic endeavors. I’m Birkleigh and I
want to be normal today, and maybe tomorrow too…I am going to love people in
the midst of my inability to peforrm. I want to just be me, but I’m impatient with
finding who me is..and I get frustrated with my weaknesses and I just want to
get it right all the time!
My love is
enough for you, Birkleigh
I leave Spain in a
month, and I embark on a journey where I don’t know the destination, how I’m
getting there or even who I am fully but I’m moving forward. I have scarred wings, but I can still fly. I fly with a full heart
still healing, still battling insecurity but confident that I’m not afraid to
say I want to be normal, because my normal may be God’s extraordinary.
My head is pounding
from crying my eyes out…at a café in Spain talking to a United Agent…about a
flight I made while leaving L.A. hoping to return for Christmas to spend time
with a boy-friend that became my ex 2 days before departing the U.S…Crazy how quickly life’s turns take us.
If it wasn’t for that
flight and the drama that followed, I wouldn’t have come to a place of asking
once again, is it really worth giving up control to fully trust you, God.? Yes,
it’s worth it, even if I don’t know the outcome. He provides everything I need and when I choose to pray and love, he takes the anxiety away. The questions remain, but they fuel the fire in my heart for something more and keeps me from not settling for anything less than God’s best in my life even if it’s normal, ( and I can’t quite define my normal yet).
Peace, I give to you, Birkleigh!
