I’m ANGRY! I’m BROKEN!
I smell death!
The only way I can do this, is to admit I can’t do this. I actually want to walk back out of the doors, and breathe deeply all of the hope, pleasure and joy of life. Am I really more concerned with how I feel right now? That’s pretty ridiculous Birkleigh! You need to push your feelings aside, and pray for these kids.
Alright, I’m going for it. There’s so many kids, so many needs and I’m praying and nothing is happening. No one is getting healed right away and they’re dying right in front of me. AH! I’m broken and angry at the same time. I’m angry at stupid sickness, and I’m broken by their suffering. I want them better. I want to pray and see them healed. That isn’t wrong, that’s God’s heart, right?
I’m doubting. I’m actually praying and not believing that these kids will get better. STOP! Okay, I’m sorry I’m doubting God. I believe. I believe that you’re good, even though they’re in pain. You exist in the midst of pain and suffering, but why don’t you eliminate it? Make it go away…Please!
I want peace. I want healing. I want faith. Screw what I want. Do I want it, because I want them healed, I want them free, or do I want it because I don’t want to feel pain? I don’t want to feel pain. I actually don’t want to suffer. I run from both. If I start to feel other people’s pain, I pray for it to go away. I pray for their pain and suffering to go away. We shouldn’t be sick. These kids shouldn’t be sick.
I’m going to just keep praying because I’m trying to figure God out and why people suffer. I think I’m just going to keep listening to Him and be obedient. I think I’m trying to be God and I need to just be Birkleigh. I don’t have the answers, but I have the Spirit of God living in me. That same Spirit enables this young, American, Christian girl to walk into devastation and bring hope. I don’t know how. I don’t know how much of a difference I even made today, I don’t know a whole lot of anything but I believe in Jesus.
He brings life and not death. He brings hope and not despair. He brings healing and not sickness. So, I’m going to keep praying, keep believing and asking for Jesus to bring me the broken, sick, dying and lost. Not because I can do anything significant, but because He can. He has died to save these people, and I’m not gonna stop praying. I will keep praying even when people don’t get healed and situations don’t change. I have faith that His kingdom will come on earth as it is in heaven!
