I CAN CHANGE!!!!
On The World Race, you pretty much feel like you’re in a bubble. You feel like you’re in the world, but not of it. You feel like an alien. You don’t know where home is. You face yourself daily and can’t hide because you’re constantly being exposed. You don’t know what’s around the corner, and its life-changing, or is it?
Can an event, trip or culture change me? Can I truly be different when I get home? Will all the changes stick or will I resort back to the same Birkleigh I’ve always been, because I’m back home where everything is familiar? I’m away experiencing all this growth, change and my worldview is being shaken. At home, my friends and family are doing life, they’re moving on and moving ahead in their relationships and jobs. I often compare myself to what I could be doing, and I either find joy in where I’m at or I get this empty feeling like I’m missing out. It can be frustrating because I’m not as mature as I thought I would be by now. I hear God say, accept my grace, accept my love for you and your life right now. “I want to, but….I’m here and I want to be closer to the woman I’ve been called to be.”
I want to CHANGE for good! I want so many things to be different. I basically need lots of work. I find myself going through phases where I’m totally motivated, moved and inspired to make a difference. Then, I fall into a slump where I don’t care, I want to quit and I don’t see God’s purpose in my life. I find myself loving myself more when I’m performing just right, saying all the right things and being affirmed by those around me. It’s as if I balance between resting and striving. I wrongly associate my love with God’s love. Mine is so limited and conditional, while his is unlimited and unconditional. I want to love unconditionally.
The other night I started a bucket list with my sisters, Martha and Drea, (thats what we do for fun in the middle of Africa). I started writing the most random things, then I began to write the deepest desires of my heart. I included “to love unconditionally, forgive everyone and believe God for the impossible.” It was fun to dream and its even cooler to see God give me the desires of my heart. I was listening to a Mark Driscoll sermon today (he’s kind of a staple on my race), and it spoke about the heart and what God says about how he created us. He created us with hearts that desire him, and that when we draw close to him, he gives us the desires of his heart. I have desires for myself and then deeper desires for him and his will for me. The closer I get to him, the more I want what those deeper desires.
It all comes back to the heart and my hope is that the change I see in me starts with my heart. That it starts there and it trickles down to my decisions, actions, thoughts and words. I’ve tried so many times to put rules, guidelines and plans of action to win my battles. I’ve been trying to modify my behavior, instead of looking right at my heart and seeing the real root of what’s happening. God is all about bringing us from where we were, to where he’s called us to. He doesn’t want us to miss out on any good thing in this life!!
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23
