I’m
totally unmotivated.
Is this
how it’s going to feel after the race?
All I
want to do is nothing. But I want to do something. I want to do big things. Not
for my own name. But for your name. He did big things. I want to be like Him. I
want to touch people. I want to go to places where people’s stories haven’t
been heard. I want to see what people turn a blind eye too.
What do I
do with all this passion and so little resources? I don’t know. I know what God
has done and I know he’s done exceedingly abundantly more than I could ever ask
or think. I just need a miracle, an act of provision that is beyond what I
could do on my own.
I feel
tapped. I have things on my heart, but I feel so worn down today. All I want to
do is sleep. All I want to do is just eat to make myself feel better.
This is a journal entry from just a few days ago. I’m in the middle of my fast and that
day I just felt really discouraged.
Later in the day after I wrote this, I was on my computer just checking
emails and updating facebook and I decided it would be a good idea to check my
bank account. I don’t really like to because each month a $400 credit card
payment is taken out, and it’s a little upsetting to see my bank account
depleted. But, I decided to do it anyway.
The first thing I saw was my ledger and I started to freak
out. I looked at the statement and there was a $700 deposit. I’m thinking,
what? Who did this? Who is this from? Did they know I prayed for a miracle of
provision? I don’t know if they knew, but God knew and that’s just freaking cool.
I started crying out of joy! I started crying because I saw
how faithful God is to me once again, and it just revived my soul. I told him,
there is nothing I’m not going to give you. I want to see you move mountains in
my life. I will not doubt you. Forgive me Lord, for ever thinking you wouldn’t
come through. I know that if you’ve called me to follow you that you are faithful. This is just confirmation that as I seek first your kingdom and your righteousness, that all things will be taken care of. I don’t have to worry about tomorrow, because you’ve got it. You’ve got my tomorrow on this race, and you will have my tomorrow when I get home. God, I give you all my tomorrows!!!!
My encouragement to all of us is, God knows our needs. When
we come to him knowing He can provide and we tell him what we need, he provides.
He is a God who loves us radically and He wants us to trust Him completely. He
owns it all, why wouldn’t he provide for us? It may not be what we expect and it’s
not what we deserve but it’s God’s character to provide and bless. He loves
taking care of us. He loves us too much, and longs for us to trust Him with
everything. Throughout this year, He has taught me that if something is impossible in my eyes, it has His name written all over it. This race seemed impossible for me, and that’s why He called me to do it. There’s not one step I could’ve taken on my own, and God loves it that way. The next step in my life is going to require me totally trusting in Him to provide, protect and guide me. I wouldn’t have it any other way, and neither would he. He loves us depending on Him and having faith like a child. He created the whole world, and He knows me better than me, so I’ve learned this year that the best choice is to give Him all of me. The questions, doubts, plans, dreams, jobs and needs. He wants them, are you going to give them to Him too? He loves you too much to let you miss out on the adventure of following Him with everything.
