Thoughts about returning home….6 days!!

       WOW!!!  I don’t know what else to say.  How time flies!!  At the time of writing this blog I am only six days away from returning to the states and I must say it’s stirring a lot of different emotions within me.  Often, I feel like I have two different people living within me and, even right now, I can feel both of them warring within me. 

       One side of me is bursting with faith and expectancy in God and can’t wait to get started in this next phase of life.  I don’t believe I have ever had a more clear vision of what my purpose is than at this moment in my life.  While, for the past 17 years of my Christian walk, I have acknowledged with my head and lips the importance of the great commission, my actions, if I am truly honest with myself, have shown I have grown distracted, and lukewarm in my passion for the things God calls the most important.  I now see that I must make changes in my life to bring my life into alignment with the things I have been professing all these year.  I honestly can’t wait to see God move as I become more and more dependent upon Him in walking out my faith wholeheartedly.  Discipleship is my heartthrob and the things that hold an eternal value are my focus. 

       The other side of me couldn’t be more opposite than this.  Full of doubt, fear, insecurity, and questions I feel as though I don’t know what I am doing and am scared to death that I am going to mess everything up.  Seeing all my weaknesses and nearly convinced that real change is an illusion that I just can’t grasp.  I fear being alone as I struggle to genuinely walk out my faith and realizing the difficulties that wait.   During these past 11 months I have experienced rich community with some beautiful people and the thought of losing all of that is difficult, especially in light of the loss of my marriage about a year ago. 

       So why do I share all of this?  In my head I hear, “I’m supposed to convey a faith and belief in God like never before after 11 months on the mission field.  I can’t show weakness!  I am going to show people I really am weak and then they will see me for who I truly am.”  What a bunch of crap…right?!!  I share because I HIGHLY value authenticity and in all my life I want to live like an open book.  A book that can be used by God in all my weaknesses, and strengths, to show others they are not alone in this walk of faith.
  
       So, all of this being said I continue to put my trust in my Lord, my Rock, and my Shelter.  My faith is in him alone and through His grace, mercy, and strength I can do whatever he has called me to.  This life is not about me but rather about bringing glory to Him.  Amen.

I love you all and can’t wait to return and spend some time with you….very soon!
 

(Some of the beautiful mountains in Romania)