This blog today is challenging to type, because it contains some raw feelings and thoughts that I have been trying to process for a few weeks now. A battle….one between my mind and my heart. So I apologize if it doesn’t make sense to you…they’re my unrefined thoughts and feelings, nothing else.
This is and continues to be a hard week for me. In my mind I KNOW I made the right decision by leaving the July team. The Lord has confirmed this OVER and OVER to me since I made that decision. Physically I wasn’t ready-in fact I was physically INJURED, a far cry from what the World Race requires. (Although I have now been back in the gym for a month since my back injury without too much back pain, I have started running outside to really train…and it’s a frustrating setback because it-my back-hurts more than I want it to right now.) Spiritually I wasn’t ready….man the Lord has been doing some major house cleaning in my heart in the last several weeks.
But all those things don’t change what I am FEELING in my HEART right now. In my HEART, I can not get my mind off of the July team….who are in the middle of training camp right now. The fact is, I was once a PART of the July team, and I spent MONTHS investing in those lives, forming relationships and getting to know those people as what I at the time considered teammates. When I left the team after my back injury, the AIM staff told me it was important to grieve the July team…which I have done, and have been doing pretty well at…until this week. Each day I wake up and think, “they are at training camp right now…I should be with them”. And I MISS THEM DEARLY!!!!! I am having to deal with the fact that I am not on the July team, and they have moved on without me. However, right now, Im not yet on the October team…so I feel as if I have fallen into this monstrous crack, feeling lonely and forgotten.
I know the Lord’s plan is perfect, and don’t get me wrong, each day the Lord fills my heart with an incredible joy and excitement for the October team that can only be from HIM. He knows why this is all happening this way…I just have to trust Him. This is a battle between my MIND and my HEART between what I KNOW and what I FEEL. This to will pass….it will get better.
