I’ve come to the end of another month, Month 8, Peru, and the Race has done it to me again. I’m tired. Not just physically, although that is true as well, but right now I’m referring to emotional exhaustion. I’m mentally and emotionally drained.
“But why, Betsy? Aren’t you having the time of your life? Aren’t you meeting all sorts of wonderful people and going to all sorts of new places and doing all sorts of things?”
Yes. And that’s the problem.
I’ve been doing this Race for almost eight full months now. That’s eight countries that I’ve served in, eight ministries that I’ve been connected to, eight communities that have taken me in as one of their own. And that’s eight places that have taken a piece of my heart.
It’s funny, when you sign up for the Race you think, “Wow! I get to spend a month in each country! That’s so much time!” And then you start living this crazy life and it’s a whole different story.
Here’s how it typically goes down. We arrive in-country after who-knows-how-many-hours of travel. We meet our ministry contacts, and we are physically exhausted for the first few days. Once we recover, we are able to start actively pouring into our ministry. As time goes on, we get acclimated; we know where the nearest tienda is to buy snacks, we know how to climb over the gate to our ministry site when the guard’s not there, we know the appropriate price for a mototaxi in this country so as to not get ripped off, etc etc. But, most significantly, part of that acclimation process is finding a group of friends and a solid community of people to get to know, to spend time with, to build a relationship with. And right as we hit this rhythm, we leave. We’re back on a bus, starting another indefinitely long travel day leading us to a new place where we will start this process all. over. again.
And that’s why I’m tired. I’m tired of giving more of myself every month, investing in my wonderful new friends, only to up and leave. I’m tired of the sweet moments we share together on a daily basis that have to come to an abrupt end. I’m tired of the hard goodbyes with tears in my eyes knowing that odds are we will never see each other again in this life. I’m just tired.
Let me share two stories with you.
The first is from last month, Ecuador, hands-down my favorite month of the Race so far. We spent the month working in Cuenca, a city that God promised to me almost five years ago (read more about that story here). Our ministry was a church plant/language school/café, so we spent our mornings teaching English classes to children, our afternoons working in the café, and our evenings at church activities. I loved absolutely every minute of it. Four days in I started saying to my teammates, “Y’all, this is my ministry. I think I’m going to come back here after the Race.” But as time went on that place meant more to me than just a great place to serve; the important part was the incredible community of people connected to the ministry who loved me as one of their own. Lori, Bobby, Bekah, Katie, Javi, Juan Pablo, Santy, Nubia, Gaby, Magu, Leah, Carly… All of them. But here’s the kicker: Month 7 was also the month where my dad got to visit me for a week, which I was PUMPED about, but it also meant I had to leave my ministry site early. My heart was breaking as I said goodbye to them a week earlier than normal, knowing that I was going to miss a whole chunk of time with these precious friends.
Celebrating my birthday in Cuenca with some of my favorite people on the planet
And then a miracle happened. Fast forward a week-and-a-half to after the parent trip and after our squad debrief in the city of Baños, Ecuador. We received our travel itinerary for our bus trip to Peru, and how does one get from Ecuador to Peru? By passing through Cuenca. The plan was to travel from Baños to Cuenca and try to buy immediate bus tickets to Peru, but there was a slight possibility that we would have to spend the night in my beloved city. There it was, there was my window, my chance to see my friends again. I started praying with my whole heart and mind that please Lord Jesus just let me have one extra day with my friends. I notified my people in Cuenca, and they offered to come to the bus station to see us. That’s right, even though we didn’t know how long the squad and I were going to be in town (an hour? a day?), they were willing to come all the way to the bus station just to see me for a bit. Keep in mind I had only met these people a few weeks before. I was blown away by their kindness and their love for me. And ya know what? Jesus answered my prayer. I arrived in Cuenca at 3pm into the loving arms of my friends, and the earliest bus we could buy tickets for didn’t leave until 9:30pm the next day. I got my miracle. It was like coming home, like being welcomed by family, knowing that there were people there who had missed me and were excited that I was back. My heart was so, so full. And then, after a blissful 30.5 hours hanging out with my friends, we were back at the bus station, saying goodbye. Once again there were tears in my eyes, and my heart was breaking. This was the final goodbye. I was back on the bus, heading off to an unknown land and leaving a part of myself behind in Ecuador.
Cuenca Round 2
And now here’s the second story, this one from this month in Peru. I had a bit of a rough start, because I spent the first week grieving Ecuador. I’m not kidding, I think I was depressed. All I wanted to do was cry and go back to Cuenca, but instead I was in Cajamarca, Peru. Our ministry has been to travel around to different mountain villages, evangelize, preach, and (for me) translate. Due to the nature of the ministry, traveling so much and whatnot, we haven’t been able to really settle in at one church or one community. We have a host church in Cajamarca, and two girls from the church (Magaly and Liz) have been super loving and helpful to us since the very beginning. But just this week we had the opportunity to spend more time with the jóvenes (young people) of the church. We invited all of them out to pizza and a movie, and we had a grand ole time. This was just night-before-last, by the way. And yesterday one of those jóvenes traveled with us to our current village, and for the first time I had some solid conversations with my new buddy Ivan. And guess what. I’m leaving Cajamarca tomorrow. I feel like just now, just over the past few days, I’ve acquired friends and shared part of myself with them, but now I have to leave. That’s one more broken piece of my heart.
Top: Me with my friend Ivan, Bottom: My team with our friend Liz
So those are two of my stories of heartbreak on the Race, but I could tell you more. This painful process has happened almost every month, and it’s absolutely draining. I wish I had some sort of grand conclusion about how God is teaching me or healing me or showing me something about His character through this. But I don’t. I mean, I know that I can see these people again in Heaven someday, but that doesn’t really detract from the pain I’m feeling right now. It’s just too much. I want to just pick one place and invest myself completely, but unfortunately that’s not the nature of the Race that I’ve signed up for. I’ve got three months left, and though I’m pumped to continue serving and adventuring, I’m not looking forward to the hard goodbyes that have become inevitable at this point. I almost just want to cut myself off completely, make no new friends for the rest of the Race, but I know that’s not healthy either. I don’t really know how to proceed from here. I don’t have a solution or conclusion, I just wanted to make it known that I’m tired of being heartbroken.
Thanks for listening.
