This whole process of fundraising and talking about my upcoming adventure in October is a little terrifying. Within the last 8 months I have been stepping into my faith and reliance on God. My faith has been that of a roller coaster. I am super on fire for God a long period of time, and then I drop off. I always finding myself at each peak of my faith learning more about the bible and growing deeper with my personal relationship with God. These peaks of faith generally are at their highest when I am going through trials and hardships.
I know a lot of people feel this way about their faith but I want to be at the peak of my faith consistently. I want to have steadfast confidence that the lord will come through for me. I have anxiety about the Lord as my provider. I have questions of “what ifs?” “Why this?” “Why that?” I set up unrealistic expectations for myself that ONLY God knows the answer to. I was talking to a friend of mine recently and we were discussing God’s grace. She said to me “God’s grace is only sufficient for right this moment. His grace isn’t for what happened yesterday, three years ago, five years in the future or tomorrow’s worries. But for RIGHT NOW.”
This reminded me of an experience I had in college with a summer internship program called Southwestern Advantage. Now this wasn’t just any internship where you sit on your butt in a 9-5, I worked HARD. I sold books door-to-door 80 hours a week for 2 summers while I was in college I heard “No” over 7,300 times (I counted.) I learned a lot about myself through my summers selling books (yes, I drank the Kool aid.) I have heard it time and time again “What you are someday going to be, you are now becoming.” Even now I sit back and think on this mantra. I am now becoming a strong, independent, compassionate, BOLD lover of a heavenly father. I am growing into the woman I want to be. I am taking steps into the directions that I want to live my life. Is this easy? No.. But what you are someday going to be you are now becoming.
There was a time in my life that I was taking steps backwards in self-destructive behaviors. It is no secret that I am not perfect, it is no secret that I have previously led a life serving myself. I was serving what felt right in the moment. I served my own delights. I had no accord of how my actions made anyone around me feel. It was all about me, me, me. There was a point in my life that I felt the world should revolve around me that people should adapt to the things I wanted. I lived a destructive life. This life gets exhausting. I hate myself for those moments in my life. I have regrets.. I wish I could go back and change some of my behaviors of excessively drinking, being hateful to other people, gossiping and flirting with the devil. All self-destructive behaviors that lead to no more but hurt, sadness and feelings of emptiness. But then I am reminded of God’s grace, and the woman that I want to become.
2 Corinthians 12:8-9
8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
God has used all of my weaknesses, hardships, and trials all to glorify him. Don’t get me wrong there are times that I doubt the lord will still love me after all the shenanigans I pulled. I am reminded that God’s power is made perfect in my weakness. If it weren’t for this times of self-destruction and hatred I wouldn’t be who God wanted me to be.
I need to remind myself of 2 Timothy 1:7
2 Timothy 1:7
7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
So let me challenge you to ask yourself; what are you doing right now, to become the person you hope to be someday?
Xo B
