Growing up, I remember having an independent nature. Well I guess, it turned into independence from bossiness when I was a little girl. Little miss bossy was I. Whoever came over my house HAD to watch Cinderella. And my parents were leaders of a youth group at church, and I remember I always bossed around the big 17, 18 year old guys. And they listened!
I remember a couple years back, I was at church, and one of my older sister’s friends that she grew up with, came up to me and said “I remember I couldn’t stand you when you were a little girl, you were such a bossy brat.” He said it laughing, and I laughed as well…that sort of stuck in my mind.
I mean, there is proof. I have a video of me as a little 5/6 year old bossing my poor dad around. And him being so kind and patient with me. I think back and cringe a lil bit. It’s both funny and shameful to think that I was so bossy…
So thinking back to then, I can see where my independent, strong willed, stubborn, and opinionated nature has evolved from. I’ve pretty much always have had an opinion when it comes to things. I have always felt that my voice needs to be heard, and validated. I’ve pretty much been Ms. Independent, A Survivor… tried to do as much as I can with as little help from the male species as possible.
Now, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being a successful, and independent female, …but it gets deteriorating, debilitating, and you lose things when your sole purpose in being independent is strictly for pride’s sake.
And God showed me on our travel day, a couple days ago, that it’s that pride and stubborness that He’s been calling me out on, since World Race started. I have been getting humbled in so many ways. I have been realizing that I dont have to put my two cents into everything, and I can trust other people to lead me, and depend on. So I have been making conscious efforts, with God’s help, to not always be so opinionated and be a better listener. It’s been hard at times, but for the most part, I have not been as hard-headed as I was only a couple months ago.
HOWEVER… See on travel days things get a bit tense. Longer days, super hot temperatures, hardly any sleep, lots of bags, and shorter tempers. And I reached my breaking point… which spilled over into attitudeville and stubborntown.
We arrived to the bus depot after the 40 hour ride from Malawi to South Africa, and we had to meet our van driver who was taking us to the hostel. We had to walk to a “Wimpy” similar to Blimpies…the only thing was that the communication got a little fuzzy. We were supposed to meet him in front of the Wimpy’s, but some thought there was another entrance. I wanted to just wait where we were told, but instead my teammates and I went on a hunt to find the “right spot” for meeting. I was TIRED, HOT, MY PACKS WERE HEAVY, and we were LOST! I HATE getting lost. It’s my biggest pet peeve..And I was mad at myself for not speaking up and saying we should stay there. So… what I like to call “the real Betshaida” came out…
I didn’t want to talk to my teammates, I just wanted to walk away…far far away. I knew if I opened my mouth, not nice things would fly out. All these thoughts started to bombard my mind “Look what the world race is doing to you, making you soft, and not speaking your mind, you’re becoming a wimp, a pushover, forget the “gentle and quiet” spirit that Paul, in the Bible, talks about. You need to be obnoxious, and stubborn, and get your voice heard. Do things on your own, like you always have.”
I started to listen to those thoughts, and kept my backpack on while waiting. One of my teammates asked if I wanted to put my huge 40lb pack down, and I stubbornly said “NO”. After waiting about 10 minutes, no sign of our driver, and my back and neck throbbing, I decided to put my bag down. But I couldn’t just “put” it down, I needed to “throw” it down because I was so mad. SO I threw it down. We waited about another 15 more minutes, and I was silent the entire time. I really felt like punching something…but there was nothing to punch…
Finally our driver, Napoleon, came. We grabbed all our stuff and started to walk the complete opposite direction to the van. I had about three packs, plus two bags of food. The guys on my team have been so AMAZING at always helping carry something for us ladies, but I had already determined that if one of them offered I would turn it down, no matter how heavy my bags were. I was going back to “strong”, independent Bethsaida…who needs no help from anyone.
As we were walking, I tossed my duffle bag over my right forearm, and tried to grasp the other bags with my left hand. It was HEAVY.. and sure enough when one of the guys asked if I needed help.. I said “NO.” So there I am, struggling to walk and carry my combined weight of at least 70 lbs.
The walk to the van seemed like FOREVER! But I was determined to not ask for help, or accept help. So I kept it moving, lagging behind, struggling to carry all my packs and bags, and keep up with the rest of my team… that I didn’t want to speak to.
The van was about 8 feet away, and I kept telling myself “I can do this. I have to do this. I can’t rely on anyone. I won’t be a wimp… I’m almost there.”…..As those thoughts were crossing my mind, one of my teammates said “Bethsaida, stop being proud!” And grabbed the duffle bag off my arm.
Immediately I felt the weight come off, and I was secretly thankful, but my pride didn’t let me say “thank you!”. We finally made it to the van, and the guys loaded all of our stuff in the back.
God used my teammate to call me out, and shut out the lies that the enemy was bombarding my head with.
At the end of the day, our team had our feedback (a meeting that we have daily to check up on how we all are doing), and I got to share with them the battle raging between the loud, opinionated, stubborn Bethsaida and the Bethsaida that God is changing me into, who reflects Jesus.
I realized during feedback, that my right arm was missing a bracelet. I have been collecting bracelets throughout the race from every country. But before I left, my beautiful 14 year old, intelligent, heart after God niece gave me a bracelet. I treasured that bracelet, but now it’s gone. I realized that it was through my stubborn act of pride and pouting that I must have lost it. It probably unsnapped when I put my duffle bag onto my right arm to carry, instead of giving it to a teammate to help me.
God taught me a lesson the moment I realized it was lost. Pride makes you lose things.. Lose opportunities, friends, joy, peace, rest, and gifts…like African bracelets.
Pride is UGLY…the biggest turn off ever…
My team was gracious enough to forgive me and love me regardless of my hissy, attitude fit. Which has given me more love for them and trust in them. It made me appreciate my family and friends back home much more too..for “dealing” with me anywhere from 2 to 26 years.
I shared with my team that before the race I was so opiniated and strong headed (one extreme), and how I have been so passive the past couple months (the other extreme). I shared that I know God is teaching me to balance my independent and strong spirit, and my gentle and quiet spirit. They encouraged me. And I know I can continue to count on them to call me out and sharpen me to become the best version of Jesus Bethsaida that God is calling me to be. Community is so important and needed for that. To be able to keep it real with each other, and spur each other on towards God.
God is teaching me to trust others, and learn how to depend on them. He’s teaching me that there are times when I need to speak up and share, and when I need to shut up and listen. He’s teaching me that there are times when I need to stand up and lead, and times when I need to draw back and follow. He’s teaching me that there are times when I need to fight, and times when I need to let someone else fight for me.
This doesn’t make me weak, or a wimp, or a pushover. It actually makes me stronger, and more confident. To know that I don’t have to find my security or validation in people, but in who God has made me, and who He is shaping me into… A strong and gentle woman of God… under construction.
“There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who
started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a
flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.” -Philippians 1:6 (Msg)
My team and I have safely arrived at the hostel we will be at for the month. We are all sharing a dorm, we just realized today that all 7 of us are living under one roof…like the 7 dwarfs. I immediately tried to push away being “Grumpy” Dwarf, but the team jokingly told me that would fit. However my amazing team leader brought to light that we are all of the dwarfs at different times… so we’re just gonna rotate dwarf names based on circumstance =) Today I’m Happy.
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We spent New Years Eve at a huge complex with restaurants, stores, and more. It was so awkward being inside something as grandiose as that, coming from the plains of Malawi. It was a mostly fun night, especially the part of me getting to sit in a bookstore and read! (Boring to some, but fun for me, I could have been there the entire night). We also got to hang out with other racers in the area, and enjoy good music.
We obviously had off today and tomorrow. We officially start Monday. We’re looking into working with orphanages, terminally ill children, The Red Cross, some other non-profit organizations, working on things in the hostel, and serving the backpackers here through the love of Jesus. A whole variety of things!
I’m excited for this new year and all that God has in store even just for this month. Thank you so much for your prayers, and words of encouragement.
Continue to let God do the work He needs to do in you…and for your sake, don’t let pride disqualify you.
Agenda: Love,
Bethsaida
