It was Monday morning…Hot Georgia sun..
The staff told our squad to meet in the field for an activity. So we go, obediently we go…not knowing what to expect.
We get there and are handed a rope, a bandana and a marker…I thought we were gonna have one of those cheesy three legged races against each other. I was already scanning my squad to see who the best partner would be.
Then one of the staff stands up and says ” What holds you back from worshipping God with all your heart?”
My automatic response was “NOTHING”… (yea right.. fooling myself). Thankfully they gave us some time to process and think it through with writing, and so I began to journal..I began to think deeper “What stops me from giving God everything, singing to Him with a freedom, looking like a fool for Him..what holds me back?”
What I started to write down was “because I care about what people will think about me, how they will view me, what they will say about me, I’ll look ugly, what if it’s just emotion, what if I look and sound like a crazy person?”
So when the staff called us back, they led us to a trail (still holding the rope, bandana, and marker in our hands)..and told us that we could choose to opt out anytime, we didn’t have to go through with it.
We were told to use the markers and write on ourselves the things that hold us back. So I began to write “fear, doubt, ugly, other’s opinions, over emotional” We tied the bandana over one eye.. Then we took the rope, tied it around our ankles, and tied our ankles to our wrists… and we walked the, what seemed like forever, trail ahead of us…
At first I was thinking “this is ridiculous, this isn’t going to change anything.” But then when I looked around with my one eye….I saw my other squadmates hunched over, tied down, helpless, weak.. and the visual hit me hard… To see my squadmates, who I was just laughing with the night before, in that helpless state hurt my heart.
A body of believers, tied up, paralyzed by our fears, incapable of being truly free…
Then I started to think.. “o.k.. maybe you wanna show me something God.. keep the eyes of my heart open”
Walking down the trail we came across a huge tree blocking our path. There were two options, walk under it through a ditch covered with sharp branches, or jump over it (yes, I know my hands and feet are tied..) The girl in front of me went over it.. so I figured I could too..it was easy..
I sat on the tree, tried to swing my legs over and “smack!” My legs, arms and back kissed the floor! With a nice scrape for a memory!
When I got up..I started to bawl…not because I was in pain.. because I was so MAD! Mad that I was tied up! Mad that I fell and busted my butt, when I could have so easily jumped over that obstacle, had I been free!
Tears were streaming down my face as I walked (mind you I had to wipe my face with my shoulder somehow), and I was telling God “I’m sorry for caring about what other people think, more than giving you my all! I want to be FREE from this chain,! I don’t want to live my life tied and restricted by these things…I want to give you my ALL, and look like a fool for you, and be talked about behind my back, if it means that people see YOU in me!.. I want to be FREE!”
Finally, I came to the end of the trail, which led to a grave. I snatched off the blindfold, and threw off the rope! And I fell to the ground for about 10 minutes crying, and giving God this “chain” of caring what other people think, more than what He thinks! I surrendered my vain, proud self…and told Him I wanted to worship Him like never before, with a freedom like never before!
Feeling liberated, we went back up the trail.. I was leading the way this time.. FREE! and when I approached that obstacle once again, I JUMPED right over it (and fell on the other side… just kidding..=).. I jumped over it with conviction, with purpose, and with determination to not go back to how I first encountered it…
And boyyyy did God hear my prayer… because that night..Freedom came to me in a way I’ve not known before! and pray I continue to live in..
I wonder.. If you had that marker in your hand…what would you write on your arms??
<3
