C.S. Lewis once said, “Give up yourself and you will find real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day, and death of your whole body in the end. Submit with every fiber of your being and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him and with Him everything else thrown in.”
It’s been a whirlwind of a ride as day by day parts of this quote play out differently in my life and in my heart. Giving up me, putting to death my ambitions and my greatest goals and dreams, and giving up the things that aren’t even mine in the first place for a whole year of my life is proving to be much harder then I initially thought it would be.
As I prepare for this trip, my goal, and my homework in a sense, has been to seek Christ more and more. In doing so, oh boy, have I found Him! And in finding Him, the craziest thing has happened in my life. A crazy thing that, unfortunately, is a dwindling idea in American culture, a crazy thing that I have been in search of my entire life…
A crazy thing called contentment.
This contentment taking place in my heart is sooo absurd to me because, well frankly, it was not there when I first applied for this mission trip. In fact, it was almost easy to send in that application…I wasn’t content here, so maybe I’d find contentment somewhere out there. Laughable…I know. I can’t help but laugh at myself and all my foolish thought processes. It’s funny to look back to just a few months ago and be like, “what in the world was I thinking, God!” Oh how much He has been humbling me and my weak, fleshly mind, and I pray He continues to do so. It has been, well, annoyingly amazing as He gets me out of my own head. And as He has been at work, I am realizing that contentment doesn’t come from where I am in the world, or what is happening in my life. “The secret [then, as Elizabeth Elliot puts it,] is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances.”
In Psalm 37:4, David writes, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I have found, that as I delight in Him more and more, it’s not that He gives me my every wish and desire the way I would have thought it to be given, but rather He fine-tunes those wishes and desires to align with His will for my life.
That all being said, as I submit to Him, those tuned desires are being made evident to me…not because my circumstances have changed, but rather the eyes of my heart have been opened to what has been right in front of me all along. After all, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33).
I have a problem though. As everything, in every way seems to be aligning in my life here at home, there has been an uneasiness creeping in my soul as the upcoming year approaches. My heart has not been quiet.
My heart has not been quiet, but God is already working to give it rest.
God knows me, He knows my foolish heart, and He knows how easily I begin to cling to the blessings rather than the blessing giver. I truly believe that as soon as my heart hit that place of contentment, the enemy jumped on the opportunity to disquiet me. My mind was weakened and my thoughts were unsettled. I was content here at home and confused on God’s timing. Perfect setting for a sneak attack! But God works faster. He is the one who gave me a heart willing to go. He wants me on this trip and He has made that so clear to me in so many ways through His provision and His peace. God is stronger than the enemy, stronger than my fears, and He is in control.
So here comes the God part. My favorite part to write! It was the beginning of April and I was talking with a friend. He could sense the lack of enthusiasm in my voice about the trip. I was losing focus. My motivation wasn’t there. Leaving was intimidating and I wanted to push it aside. There was a need for me to examine my heart and take it all to the Lord, but I wasn’t ready to do that yet. The next day, I was out shopping, and an older man I never met began talking to me in the checkout line. Our conversation went to my mission trip and I handed him one of my prayer cards. He looked at me and he said, “You know what the hardest thing about being an adult is?” “Staying focused,” he said. Immediately my head was doing flips and turns! I was trying to avoid facing it, but God brought it to the surface through a complete stranger! Someone who knew nothing of me or the struggles I was facing. So I started to pray about things. I prayed that God would help me understand His timing and bring back that passion I had at first. A few days passed and I received a book in the mail from the wonderful, godly lady God has placed in my life to counsel and disciple me. The book is called; Keep a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot. Now, when she put this book in the mail, she knew nothing of the struggles I was facing…but God. He knew and He was in control! I was skimming through the book one night. I hadn’t actually started reading it, but I came across a quote:
“Be quiet, why this anxious heed about thy tangled ways?
God knows them all, He giveth speed, and He allows delays.”
As soon as I read that quote, I knew that there were things in my heart and in my life that I had to surrender to Him. Things that I may never get back, things that may not be the same when I get home, things that are just so difficult for me to fully give over to Him. And I’m not going to lie; God is still at work in my heart on those things. Stepping in to the unknown to leave what could be known behind is not an easy thing for me. However, I cannot begin to express through this post the truly awe-inspiring ways God has worked inside me as I lay those things down at His feet. The moment I decided to surrender my heart became quieter, my soul felt His joy, and my passion was returning! His great provision swept over me as I received donations in excess that same day. He was reminding me to continue to look for Him. Not for His blessings, but for Him. And in the looking, I will find Him and everything else thrown in.
