Tuesday this week I had an identity crisis.
Traveling to Myanmar I was reading a book called The Sacred Romance, which talks all about how God is always romancing us and trying to win our hearts over to him. In essence, God is trying to woo us. And I find that amazing and fascinating.
Not only do I find it amazing and fascinating, but I have also found it incredibly healing and (obviously) loving. The fact that God will always be pursuing us, regardless of whether we want Him to or not, just leaves me in awe.
These facts about God’s love—this I always knew growing up, but never really understood—suddenly came to life for me.
Honestly, there are not enough words for me to adequately describe how it makes me feel.
Although, I can tell you that it very much so changed how I view myself.
Where I used to have a more negative view of myself God radically changed my view to “beloved.”
So, as God’s own chosen people, who are holy [set apart, sanctified for His purpose] and well-beloved [by God Himself], put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience [which has the power to endure whatever injustice or unpleasantness comes, with good temper]
-Colossians 3:12, AMP
Henceforth, one of the tattoos I decided to get this month was “Beloved” in Hebrew (Ahuva) on my wrist—pronounced, “A-hoo-va.”
With that being said, I truly began to start walking in that identity this month—I am God’s beloved and He loves me for me.
So fast-forward to this past Tuesday.
At our evening teaching, during the break our host’s daughter pointed out and complemented me on my pinky ring. And for those of you who don’t know, my pinky ring was a ring I received when I graduated college; it’s called an Engineer’s Ring and every engineering graduate receives one in the US. It’s a stainless steel ring that you wear on the pinky finger of your dominant hand as a reminder to “do no harm” in the engineering field—so it’ll touch each document you will ever sign off for. There is a huge induction ceremony into The Order of the Engineer, and that is when you receive your ring, say your pledge, and sign your “obligation” which is the engineering version of the doctor’s Hippocratic oath.
All in all, as a person who spent virtually every waking moment of the last six years living and breathing engineering school, this ring symbolized a lot for me—it symbolized hard work, dedication, and perseverance. It meant that all those countless sleepless nights and deadline induced panic attacks were worth it. It meant I made it. I was an engineer.
Are you seeing where this is going?
That ring also symbolized something that I found my identity in—I am an engineer.
Although honestly, God gave me both the desire to become an engineer as well as the brains to be able to succeed—which are wonderful and gifts.
However, when I find my identity in my occupation and my schooling rather than in what God says I am, there is a problem.
And God showed me that.
You see, right after talking to Muang—our host’s daughter—about my ring, God told me to give it to her. And I was like “umm… what did You just say?”
And God then told me that I have placed too much of my identity in my occupation and that my identity was found in what He says about me rather than my job. He said that I had just tattooed “beloved” on my wrist and was wearing my Engineer’s Ring both on the same hand and the symbolism of both was contradicting each other and I needed to allow His view of me win.
Even after hearing Him say that I still didn’t want to give away my ring. After all I earned that ring. However, logically speaking, I know that God ultimately knows best and so I followed—reluctantly, but I followed.
So now, I may be one ring short, I am full of what God says I am and I am excited to see how I will grow into who God says I am without my own view of my identity blocking it. So we shall see!
