Shame.
What a gross word.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary shame is defined as: 1) a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior; 2) a loss of respect or esteem, dishonor; and 3) a regrettable or unfortunate situation or action.
Focusing on the second and third definitions of the word, I have dealt with a lot of self-induced shame during my lifetime. However, I am here to say that I left it at rehab!
You see my entire life I have dealt with a condition called neurogenic bladder disorder which basically means I have a pretty substantial lack of bladder control due to nerve damage that occurred on my sacral spinal cord. In not so many words, it means I urinate every time I move too quickly and jolt my bladder muscles—primary when I run more than about three steps or when I jump, although there are a few other things that also mess with it such as dancing.
You also must understand that I am an active person who loves soccer and dancing—all kinds of dancing. So, therefore if you haven’t put two-and-two together, I grew up ALWAYS carrying around an extra change of clothes—I would never know when it was needed because I was just playing with the other kids. Or in high school when I was on the soccer team. Or now, even on the race during travel days when I don’t know where the next bathroom will be, or if I will be doing sports or dance ministry for a month. I have always found myself carrying around an extra change of something just in case, because I would be absolutely horrified if someone ever saw me with urine-soaked pants on. After all, I’m a 24-year-old adult “who should be able to control her bladder”—at least that is what I told myself on a daily basis.
Well on the first day of ministry this last month our teams, Abiding Azar and Ahava, found ourselves at a drug rehab facility with our hosts unsure of what to expect—aka I didn’t have a change of clothes with me. Yet when we got there, there was singing and a few of the ladyboys (a transsexual person, male to female) were dancing to the music that was being played and after the first song or two they motioned for me to go onto the dance floor and join them, and I did! And to be very honest, I loved it!
Did I pee myself?
Of course.
Did I care?
No.
“Why?” you may ask. Well because in those moments of dancing, I felt joy—true joy—and I saw that the joy I was feeling was also contagious to all of the people around me. I absolutely loved it. During those moments of dancing God told me that this is what He wanted for me—that He wants me to be happy and full of joy and that it has been Satan who has been shaming me into not stepping into something that I love.
So here is to dancing, and jumping, and peeing myself; but most importantly, here is to the joy of the Lord that outpours into every aspect of our lives when we give Him all of ourselves—which defeats the shame of Satan.
