Originally I was going to title this blog “An Open Letter to My Depression,” but I decided against that for one of the things my team is very much so teaching me about is the value and impact your words have over your life, and how claiming things for yourself that are not valuable in God’s eyes can be detrimental to your life. So, I decided to title it “An Open Letter to Depression,” and that is exactly what this is.
Dear Depression,
I’ve known you for as long as I can remember, easily since I was a pre-teen; but let’s get this straight, unlike the Simon and Garfunkel song, you are not my friend. At one time, you comforted me, but now I recognize it and rebuke it. For a while I thought I was completely rid of you, but really you were just lingering in the shadows of my mind, waiting for me to take a turn that I couldn’t handle in order for you to weasel your way back into my life—and you almost succeeded. This first week out on the race has been extremely taxing and has left me mentally and emotionally vulnerable, which is where you decided to step into action to try to bring me down to your level, rather than allowing me to be pulled up and rise above.
The lyrics of Lecrae’s song, I’ll Find You, resonate deeply for what I am currently feeling—and I say currently, because yes, I am still struggling with you (depression), but I know that it will not be forever.
“I’m hanging on by a thread, and all I’m clinging to is prayers; and every breath is a battle, I feel like I ain’t come prepared. And death’s knockin’ on the front door, pain’s creepin’ through the back; fear’s crawlin’ through the windows, waiting for ‘em to attack. They say ‘Don’t get bitter, get better,’ I’m working on switching them letters. But tell God I’ma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together. I’m smilin’ in everyone’s face; I’m cryin’ whenever they leave the room. They don’t know the battle I face; they don’t understand what I’m going through.The world tryna play with my soul, I’m just tryna find where to go. I’m tryna remember the way, I’m tryna get back to my home. But, I can’t do this on my own; that’s why I’m just trusting in You. ‘Cause I don’t know where else to go; and, I don’t know what else to do.”
Those last four lines ring so true to me. The world is trying to play with my soul; but I will not let it play games—it can no longer trick me into playing a game that I do not know the rules. I’m just trying to find where to go, I’m trying to remember the way, and I’m trying to get back to my home—the way is Christ, and my home is in heaven with God. Therefore, I am trusting in God because I know fully well that I cannot navigate this on my own—I have tried and failed repeatedly. I don’t know where else to go but to run to God because running to anything else has just left with you—and I DO NOT WANT YOU. I have never wanted you, but I got comfortable with the lies you told me and the insecurities that you left me with.
Even still you linger around me like a black cloud that is just waiting to rain on my personal parade, isolating me from the rest of the world—or so it seems whilst in the middle of the storm. The Bible talks about peace multiple times: Proverbs 14:30, “A heart at peace gives like to the body;” John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heats be troubled and do not be afraid;” 1 Corinthians 14:33, “For God is not a God of disorder but of peace;” Philippians 4:6-7, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus;” and 1 Peter 3:11, “He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.” These verses are all reminders that God never intended us, His people, to live in fear, depression, or anxiety, so I rebuke you all. In the name of Jesus.
So, yes, while I still struggle with you, I am no longer going to allow you to trample me while you run rampant through my mind, rather I am going to listen to God through His word and according to Ephesians I will clothe myself in the armor of God and prepare for war. Although it sounds melodramatic, that is exactly what this is—war. War with you, depression, as well as with the complacency in my mind and the desire to just take the easy route and give in to you.
Ephesians 6:10-18, “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”
Sincerely,
Me, your one-time friend, now turned enemy through Christ and His truth; for the truth shall set you free, John 8:32.
