As the World Race comes to an end for my squad lots of reflecting and debriefing has been happening.
With that comes all of the memories and all of the feels… and really all of the everything.
As the months have progressed there have been key things from each month that have broken my heart and left me in tears on the floor where I have stayed, wresting with God and praying about them.
And I am continuing to pray about them.
Each month has impacted me very uniquely and I am asking you to join me in praying for each of these, as well as praying for myself and my teammates who are living with these life changing memories.
Without further ado…
Month 1; Tirana, Albania – The moments that broke my heart occurred when we were meeting and befriending young people who were Muslim by culture. There were so many people there who claimed Islam as their religion because it was the cultural thing to do and because of that they haven’t claimed a religion truly for themselves. There are thousands of people just wandering around not knowing about the wonderful gift of the Gospel. This month I struggled a lot with the knowledge that all of these wonderful people will be going to hell if they don’t accept Christ.
Month 2; Alba Iulia, Romania – The moment that broke my heart was when I learned the story of a little boy in the classroom with my teammates that was nonverbal. This month we were working with a Christian kindergarten and one of the boys was nonverbal. He would run around and was quite intelligent but struggled. One day I heard our host talking about how his family moved back to Romania for him and his education specifically; and that they often struggle because there is not an governmental structure that allows for therapy for their son. He is bright; he is intelligent; and I know that he will go far in life. Unfortunately, he is and will be fighting an uphill battle. This month I struggled with grasping that God will use EVERY situation for His glory.
Month 3; Plovdiv, Bulgaria – The moment that broke my heart was when I went for a run (yeah, I actually went running once, don’t faint now) and saw the homeless old men in the park. They were just sitting there with their heads downcast looking dejected and hopeless. I wonder if they know who Jesus is. I wonder if they have ever had someone share the Gospel with them. Truth be told, this month I struggled with homesickness more than anything else. We were in the middle of the fall season in Bulgaria, and I went on a month long fast from communicating with my family. In hindsight, I have struggled with the “what ifs” of this month—what if I went up to those men and talked to them. Or heck, what if I just went up to them and looked them in the eyes and gave them a hug.
Month 4; Penang, Malaysia – The moment that broke my heart was the first day that my team went across the water and delivered various care packages of food, clothing, and supplies to the Burmese refugee camps on the mainland. Large amounts of flooding had hit Penang just a couple of days before our arrival which ended up destroying many of the homes in the camps. Additionally, because they were refugees, they are not recognized by the government and therefore did not receive any governmental assistance. Which is where we stepped in. But that first time we went out there the chaos, confusion, and desperation was so evident that it broke my heart and left me speechless. I struggled this month with wrapping my mind around the fact that the refugees left a place that was in worse turmoil than what they are experiencing now.
Month 5; Bangkok, Thailand – While my ministry was in Khon Kaen, Thailand for the month, our squad was in Bangkok for a week at the beginning for our Month 4 debrief. On our last night there some of our squad went out to evangelize in the oldest red-light district in the city—it was conveniently located right behind the hostel we were staying at. Well about a half hour into walking up and down the street to see if God was leading my teammate and I anywhere particular, I completely lost it. I broke down sobbing. My heart was completely broken for these women. Just looking at them I could see the lifelessness in their eyes as men would go up to their mamasons to buy time with these women. They were scantly dressed, sometimes in a costume, and just going through the motions not realizing that God wanted so much more for them, and that He loves them regardless of their situation. My struggle this month was with coming to terms with things I have done in my past and believing that God is not only a God of redemption for the women in the red-light district and men in rehab, but also for me as well. This carried far into the month of scheduled ministry when I was asked to share my testimony at the men’s rehab center we had been working with.
Month 6; Mandalay, Myanmar – This month the moment that broke my heart occurred on an adventure day. My whole team went on a hike to a waterfall and on our way there we saw a monkey on a leash and passed a poor dog who was literally rotting from the inside out, and it was gruesome. My heart went out to both of those animals that day because God loves animals as well as people and I believe that when we see animals suffer we are also seeing a glimpse of God suffering. The thing that I struggled with the most this month was my identity and who God says I am—I wrote a blog during that month explaining it a lot more in depth.
Month 7; Mokhotlong, Lesotho – This month the moment that broke my heart was unconventional. There is so much poverty in Lesotho, but also so much joy. The moments that broke my heart were when I was sitting in church and everyone was dancing and praising the Lord with every fiber of their beings, as well as when my team hiked 5 miles one Sunday to go to the River Church to preach. There were 5 people other than us, and it was outside on a lady’s front yard. Yet it was so genuine. So how did these moments break my heart you might ask. They broke my heart for the church back home—the church in America. It broke my heart for the many thousands of Americans who believe that they have a right to something from the church and that if the church doesn’t do a service exactly how they want it then they become too bitter to hear the voice of God. I struggled this month with a backwards comparison between the church that I saw in front of me—a church that was made up of the people and not a building—and the church in America. I also struggled with public speaking because we did LOTS of preaching that month, but it pushed me and grew me so much as well.
Month 8; Port Elizabeth, South Africa – Wow. What a month. The moment that broke my heart was every single night at city feed. City feed is where Love Story (the organization we were working with) would go down to the city center and feed the homeless dinner. The first night there I met a guy and started talking to him about life and his story broke my heart. He wasn’t that much different from me. He has a family; he has an education; and yet he has found himself at a low point in life where he has had to come to terms with humbling himself and asking others for help. This month I struggled with being okay that people are different and that different doesn’t mean wrong.
Month 9; Bulawayo, Zimbabwe – Oh boy, another “what a month” month. My heart was broken on a daily basis. I grieved for the children we were working with. I grieved for them, for their unknown families, and for the staff at the babies’ home. Two moments that stick out to me specifically are the day the older children left. The one girl that was leaving had become my little sidekick throughout the first couple of weeks and would not leave my side. I love her so much. And when one of the older boys couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that we were not moving to the new home with them killed me. Additionally, one of the last days we were there we went over to our host’s house and were looking through photos of all of the kids from when they first were brought to the babies’ home and were listening to their stories. They killed me also. Throughout the month I learned what our host had meant when she told us that one of the hardest decisions that many Zimbabwean women have is how to take care of their children. Do they let them die now because they cannot breastfeed because their mother has AIDS, or do they breastfeed their children now knowing that the transmission will end up killing their kids in the future? I struggled this month with asking God why? Why do women have to make these decisions? Why are these children left homeless and parentless? And then accepting (at the time) that I might not ever understand His response of, “I am faithful still.”
Month 10; Montrouis, Haiti – (Pronounced, Mow-We.) This month the moment that broke my heart was the day that half of us went up into the mountain to evangelize. Seeing the conditions that these people were living in; seeing the malnourished children completely broke me; and learning that they either get water out of an algal overgrow water hole or they have to walk down the mountain, about a 3 hour trek, to get water from the city, completely broke me. I cried that night. I struggled this month with complacency and wanting to go home, yet also wanted to be there.
Month 11; Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic – This month is still happening, so these are subject to change, but… The moment that broke my heart was just the other day when a group of us went out to an outdoor clothing market. We went there looking for cheap clothes for our final debrief. I saw brand new name brand clothing. I saw tattered clothing. I saw lots of clothing from Goodwill. Which got me thinking about how we as Americans just throw stuff out and are so willing to get rid of clothes whenever we want because we have the mentality that we can just buy more. Seeing the people begging on the corner in literal rags, made my heart hurt tremendously. I am struggling this month with feeling like I am not making much of an impact despite knowing I am doing the ministry that God has called me to do.
