I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times I’ve answered the question, “how are you doing?” with “Not okay.”
To most everyone around me, I’m always “good”, “great”, or even, “fantastic!”
I mean, my goal isn’t to be “in-authentic” or “fake” when replying to the ever-so-common question, but all throughout my life, I’ve struggled with the idea of being “not okay.”
No one wants to be that guy that dampers everyone’s day by answering with a, “I’m terrible” or “today’s just not my day.” So instead our natural instinct is to overly exaggerate our current state and reply with, “good”, “great” or even, “fantastic!”
I’ve been doing this my whole life. This is nothing new, it’s a formed habit that I had no plan of kicking anytime soon. But for some reason, this month, “I’m not okay.”
It’s been what I would call a “struggle month.” It’s one of those months on the race that’s just a smidge more challenging than the others (there I go under-exaggerating again).
There are a variety of different variables that make this month especially difficult to “race” through. These variables would easily prompt any given person to answer with an honest, “nope, I’m not okay.”
But not me.
Despite my struggles and my challenges and my messy emotions, to the outside world I’m, “fantastic!”
The thing is, I struggle with a lot of things that prompt me to answer in this not-so-honest way. One of those things being the fact that I like to please people. I’ve being fighting this need to people-please for the entirety of this 11 month long journey. Apart of pleasing those around me involves always being constantly “okay.” Having a smile on my face, taking responsibly outside of what I really can handle in my current state, yet still taking it on with a weakened smile on my face.
Another one of those things is the fact that I thought that it was nearly impossible to operate in all the Lord has called you to do if you’re not always “okay.” I’ve had this notion to believe that a “good” Christian should always be perky, positive and always “okay.”
So, on the race, I’ve done my best to always be okay when things got hard. Don’t get me wrong, keeping a positive outlook and perspective is so key on this race, but I’ve learned a valuable lesson this month…
I’m not “okay” all the time, and that’s okay.
I started this month, day one, struggling. I wasn’t ready for what we walked into. I might of even shed a few tears when I laid my head on my travel pillow the first night, trying desperately to get comfortable on my sleeping pad in order to sleep while the seemingly endless amounts of bugs kept crawling and biting on me. More tears shed when the members of the local family we are staying with, woke us up at 3:30 in the morning with a bright LED light shining in my face, then kindly told me to “go back to sleep.” TEARS… lots of TEARS.
Nevertheless, I woke up the next morning and responded with a cheery “Great!”, when a teammate asked me how I slept.
WRONG ANSWER.
Truth is, I responded similarly to many more questions just like this one about a dozen times this month. How could I say I’m not ok? I’m fine, I’ll make it, just give me a second and I really will be “okay”. Or at least I thought.
I didn’t want to be that girl that complains or dwells on the hard things, and can’t handle when things aren’t ideal. After all, When I signed up for the World Race, I knew it wouldn’t be easy. So, suck it up, Bethany, it’s gonna be fine, you’re going to be okay.
I not-so-quickly learned that lying and saying I’m okay when I’m really not, makes me even more so, “not okay.”
After two and half weeks of all the “okay’s” and “I’m great’s”, my team leader, Anna, came to me and asked if we could talk and “check-in” with each other.
Two seconds into our “date” sitting in my hammock, she asked the infamous question… “How are you doing?”
I bet you can guess how I answered…
She saw right through my “I’m doing good.” and immediately responded with, “No, really, how are you, really?”
With a deep sigh I finally responded, “I think I’m struggling, I think I’m not okay.”
She smiles and says, “That’s okay you know, to not be okay.”
MIND. BLOWN.
It hit me hard. “It really is ok to not be okay.” Woah.
The next 30 minutes were filled with truth, real truth. What a breath of fresh air. I wasn’t okay, and that was okay!
Somehow, after being honest and real about where I was at emotionally, I actually started to really be “okay.”
Not long after that conversation, my community of amazing people on this race surrounded me with love and truth.
On a Face-Time call with a really great friend of mine, I explained the whole situation and how I really wasn’t doing “okay” and how I hated not always being “Great!”. I told her that I hated not being able to operate at 100% this month and how I felt God couldn’t do all He wanted to do, because I was struggling.
“God still works through broken people. He works through brokenness, vulnerably and honesty.” She reminded me that I didn’t have to be “perfect” all the time and it was okay to just operate out where I was at, and to not strive to work out of an abundance I currently don’t have.
PRAISE THE LORD FOR GREAT FRIENDS AND REAL TRUTH. Even more so, Praise Him for the truth of His Word…
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV)
I am weak, but then I am strong.
So. Nope, I haven’t been “okay” this month. I admit it. I confess.
But now, after some real honestly and lots of conversations with the Lord and the community around me, I really am “okay”, in fact, I’m GREAT!! (no, really, I promise) 🙂
We begin our last week of ministry tomorrow here in Areyksath Village (a short ferry ride away from Phnom Penh, Cambodia) tomorrow and I’m equipped, ready, and armored up for a FANTASTIC week.
After two and half weeks of not being myself, I’m back!
Oh hey, Bethany, there you are, nice to see you again.
