It wasn’t until the moment I stepped out of the Phnom Penh airport and breathed in that warm, humid, Cambodian air, that it hit me that I was really doing this. I was really back in Cambodia just 4 months after being here on my Race. I was really doing this thing called Squad Leading. Reality hit like a 5-ton truck and I didn’t feel prepared at all.
The first few days were honestly harder than any of the days I spent on my previous Race. I thought I would be more prepared, I thought that because I knew this country and this culture that everything would come easy, but oh was I terribly wrong.
It had been over two years since the last time I was in any kind of official leadership. I wasn’t used to being the one that everyone looks to for ALL the answers for EVERYTHING. Pressure to be the “perfect squad leader” snuck in and I felt like I was coming up short.
I was slightly overwhelmed, and the Enemy took advantage of that foothold and filled my head with lie after lie.
“You were never supposed to squad lead.”
“You’re not smart enough to logistically lead 37 people.”
“No one from this squad trusts you to lead them, so just give up and go home before you get too deep into this.”
I let these lies fester and grow bigger and bigger over the course of three days.
Ministry was beginning and I had zero strength to carry myself through the day, much less the team of six girls I was with.
I got up on a Monday morning after a sleepless, anxiety-filled night and said out loud to the Lord, “GOD! I can’t do this on my own, LITERALLY I CAN’T. I NEED you to show up today.”
And oh my, did He show up.
It was that day that He taught me a lesson that will stick with me for the remainder of the time that I am on this earth.
The Lord showed me this image as I sat with Him and asked Him just how I was supposed to lead these people:
I was an empty cup, bone-dry with nothing in me. Each day, as I opened myself up to him, He would fill me up with just enough to pour out. Not too much, not too little, but literally just enough. By the end of the day, my glass would be empty again. I had no extra within me, no overflow in this season, but just enough.
“But what do I bring to the table then, Lord”
“Nothing, you bring nothing, you’re a vessel, an empty glass. I am the substance, you and me, we work together.”
I walked away from that time with the Lord feeling the pressure fall off my shoulders.
“Cool, I don’t have to carry this team, I don’t have to carry this squad. All I gotta do is be an empty glass, I CAN TOTALLY DO THAT.”
That week didn’t get any easier, it was difficult and there were a lot of challenges to overcome, but I didn’t have to solve all the problems. I didn’t feel pressure to be the savior anymore. That was the Lord’s job, I just allowed Him to be the savior through me.
Each day, He filled me up. Each day, I poured out every ounce of what He gave.
I walked away from those 10 days that I spent with that team of girls filled with strength, despite the enemy’s plans to beat me down.
Those days carried joy, encouragement, and life, regardless of the challenges thrown our way.
(Team Quarencia and I visiting the locals in the nearby villages)
I marched into the second half of month one of squad leading, equipped with the lesson the Lord taught me.
Truth is, the second half wasn’t any easier than the first, but I was filled up. I was partnering with the Creator each day and we were a great team.
Joy filled every day of that second half and I knew there was no place I would rather be than right there, in the middle of Cambodia, serving alongside the Lord.
(Team 7 Watchers and I, and Jesus photo-bombing.)
We, as human beings were created with a single purpose; to serve and bring glory to our Creator.
Too often we forget that we get the privilege of doing life right alongside our God. We forget that we not only don’t have to do this thing alone, but we literally CAN NOT do it without Him.
We don’t have to come to Him with all our “gifts”, “talents”, and “experience”.
All we have to bring is our “nothing”, our empty glass.
The month came to an end, and before I knew it, I was headed to Month One Debrief.
There were a few obstacles that got thrown our way during that last week of October, but despite those, debrief was a powerful four days filled with reflection, celebration, and lot and lots of vulnerability.
Just over one year ago, I was at my month one debrief in Albania. It was during that week that I surrendered my life, my story, and my EVERYTHING to the Lord. I got real, got vulnerable, and invited the Lord to start what would be a year-long process of healing and restoration.
That week, one year ago, didn’t just change what my World Race would look like; it changed my life.
Here I was, a year later, experiencing the same talk that sparked the start of my freedom journey, and I was so, so excited.
That first night of debrief was a night filled with vulnerability, tears, and freedom.
That very night, I was invited by a few of those squad members to walk alongside them as they began their journey of freedom and restoration with the Lord.
(M Squad coming together for night one of Month One Debrief)
I went to bed that night feeling so thankful, humbled, and so unworthy of this huge honor.
Who am I that I get to walk with people through their journeys?
There I was, an empty glass, ready to get filled and emptied, time and time again.
Those lies that the Enemy tries to continuously fill me with still sneak up from time to time. But I’m fighting on the winning team and I have a victorious God. It’s a daily choice to choose to focus on the truth the Lord gives me instead of being distracted by the lies of the Enemy. I am holding tightly on to those truths and keeping my gaze locked on my Savior daily.
I sit here now, so incredibly thankful to be where I am, so humbled to be on this journey, so excited to walk along side those who are submitting their full selves to the Lord, allowing Him to restore and renew them fully.
It was an incredible first month. A month filled with lessons and challenges. A month that I learned more in than I learned in the entirety of my 11 month Race.
I get four more months of this, and I am more ready and excited than ever.
Bring on the challenges! I am empty, ready to be filled, ready to pour out every drop.
*I am currently a little under 50% funded! If you feel lead to help me continue to invest and partner in the lives of these World Racers, click the “Support Me” link above! *
