As I write this blog, I am fighting the voice in the back of my head that says I feel motion sickness as I bounce along on an overnight bus to the Cambodian border. I watch Thailand pass me by as rice paddies, villages, cities, distant mountains, and more 7-11’s than I knew existed on the whole planet fly by. My squad mates sit in the dark doing various little things to try and pass some of the 20-some hours we will be in transport…reading, watching movies on laptops, sleeping in the bus aisle, taking goofy pictures with Photo Booth.
My churning Goober-sandwich-and-imitation-Oreo supper is best forgotten by watching home videos on my laptop and laughing at random bus happenings with my trusty seat buddy, Caitlin. Travel days have a way of making me stare out the window and think hard about what my Race has been so far and could grow into in the coming months.
I wonder if I have grown, or if I would go homw seeming and feeling unchanged; I wonder what God still has in store for me and my team; I wonder if I have embraced the journey in the way that I want to, and if I will as we move on.
A few days before I left, my sister and I had a few of our closest friends over to say goodbye, and I went around videoing their advice and well wishes for my journey. Hearing a constant litany of “You are living the dream” and “You are going to be a different person at the end” on the video and in recent emails has me thinking back on the way I felt on that cold, rainy January night, 4 days before I left America to embark on the most incredible year of my life so far.
Scared to leave, yet excited to break free; hungry for God and deep friendships, yet dreading having to leave the relationships I cherish at home; moments of panic over whether or not I really had the guts to do this, and moments of feeling the adventurer inside me trying to break free; sad and overwhelmed by the goodbyes, and yet detached because it was all just too surreal.
I feel completely immersed in the Race at this point. Going into month 5, home seems like a distant dream…a long time since I have been there and even longer until I go back. My mind is completely boggled that I have SEVEN more months of experiences like those I have had in the last four. I have already seen enough to spend the rest of my life truly processing. So many faces and heartaches and injustices and flavors and smells and smiles and hugs and lifestyles and landscapes…and I haven’t even had a chance to reflect back.
And yet, there is still so much to come.
Still so many children to pick up and spin around and pour love into.
Still so many elderly people to pray with and hold the hands of.
Still so many team struggles to work through, and so many laughs and lifelong friendships to form through them.
Still so many third world nursing encounters to learn through and strive to help in.
Still so many grungy, dirty, hot service projects to do with a smile.
Still so many strange and exciting foods to taste and smell and marvel at.
Still so many waterfalls to swim in and beaches to play on and mountains to climb and animals to encounter, always pushing hard enough to make sure I scare myself at least a little.
Still so many times to think “I just want to get in touch with home!” when the internet is only consistent in one thing: being inconsistent.
Still so many bucket showers to take, dirty floors to sleep on, and creatures to battle out of our beds.
Still so many days of smelling like sunscreen, sweat, and bug repellent, wearing grungy clothes, with make-up being a distant memory, thinking “People from work and church wouldn’t even recognize me…”
Still so many more times to sleep on buses, worship with my squad, and feel like I will scream if I can’t get alone for just a few minutes.
Still so many ministry contacts and local villagers to grow close with and have to say goodbye to knowing that we most likely will never see each other again in this life.
Still so many lessons to learn about life and love and priorities and closeness with each other and God.
To most, this list probably looks or seems stressful; quite the opposite for me. This list makes me smile and breathe a sigh of contentment of knowing how many more opportunities I have to be stretched and grown in my character and my faith, and to experience life in so many unique ways. (Although, to be fair, there are definitely times when this list makes me want to lay down on the floor and pitch a fit and go home…but that desire passes quickly. Usually.)
At the moment, I can safely say that I have at least grown into the lifestyle of the World Race fairly well. Four months ago, I would have been annoyed at the unhealthy dinner, the lack of bed, the filthy bathroom, the constant people and noise and chaos, and the fact that we have NO idea what our lives will look like in a week. But by now, I actually kind of wonder how in the world I will process it once I finally have a healthy meal, a comfy bed, a clean bathroom, a plan, and solitude…but at the expense of ending this crazy year of Christlike service, new best friends, and travel.
We legitimately know nothing about what life in Cambodia is going to look like yet. Don’t be alarmed…our squad leaders have our contact information, we just don’t know details. And honestly, there is something incredibly freeing about not being able to picture a single thing about life five days from now.
All I can do is continue to strive to embrace this journey for the amazing opportunity it is…stay tuned to hear where we actually end up!
