I really, really wanted to sit down here tonight and write a really funny, lighthearted blog that would be fun and easy to read and not bring anyone down.
But the truth is, I just don't have it in me at the moment because I am trying not to fall apart emotionally. I am trying to focus on being authentic in my blog posts, which includes sharing funny anecdotes and also sharing personal weaknesses and areas for growth. This can help you all hold me accountable as I learn and grow for God.
Let me go ahead and tell you straight up front: the World Race, even just in the preparation phase, has already been much, much harder than I thought it was going to be. I have avoided talking about this in blogs and have down played it, always saying "Just trust the Lord!", not wanting to cast a bad light on missions or earn a bad reputation for myself.
NEWSFLASH BETHANY: You are a human, a sinner, and in need of God's grace for your weaknesses as much as anyone else…so don't try to avoid telling people the truth. Most people are relieved to hear that they aren't the only ones who struggle with certain things.
And I have figured out the the exact reason why things have been so hard: I can not seem to let go of control and give it up to God. I have never had as much of an opportunity to truly do this in my life as I have now.
I have been told since day 1 of this adventure with the World Race that I was going to be stretched in ways that I never thought possible; that I was going to learn things about myself that I never knew existed; that I was going to be forced to rely on God; that my faith was going to hit a whole new dimension; that I was going to be torn down before I could be built back up again. And this is all already proving to be even more true than I expected (those expectations….they'll get ya every time!)
The preparation phase of this journey has already put me into a stress-out mode that is so severe that I hardly recognize myself from the easy-going, joyful, carefree person I know myself to be most of the time.
Anyone who knows me can testify to the fact that I have never once in my life found myself without an appetite (and by that I mean, willing to eat everything in sight at any given moment if only I could allow myself), but for the first time, food is like a daunting task that must be faced against my will.
I still spend time with God each day, but find that even in an effort for intense prayer I am jittery inside and anxiously hoping God will "hurry up and and say what He needs me to hear right now" because I have "so much to do Lord….seriously, I am not trying to rush You, but is that all the listening I need to do for now?!? Because I am super stressed about what all I have to get done! That cool? Ok, thanks, love you! help me to live for You today! amen!" Some mindset for spiritual growth, huh?
I frantically make to-do lists, only to find to-do lists from the day before still beckoning to be completed, then glancing desperately from the clock to my list trying to figure out how to make it all happen.
I sit in front of my laptop with my shoulders hunched up around my ears, my breathing short, and trying to ignore the jumpy feeling inside me as I struggle to keep all of the financial deadlines, support letters, thank you notes, immunization appointments, passport forms, nursing license info, budgets, gear advice, fundraiser coordinating, and all the other aspects of this trip straight, not to mention making sure that daily life as I know it (work, bills, friendships, weddings, laundry, church group activities, etc.) does not fall apart around me.
I have cried tears of anger and frustration at people who shut me down when I want to tell them about my trip, tears of anxiety over the money I have to raise when less than 10% of the people I have reached out to have responded, tears of worry that my fundraisers will be a bust, and tears of shear mental and emotional exhaustion.
There are moments when the next 4 months feel like they will fly by before I can possibly accomplish everything, and moments where I think that I will never even get through the "to-do's" of that week. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I want to just go crawl under the covers in my mom or sisters or best friends' beds and cry myself to sleep just to let out some of the emotional overload.
So why am I subjecting my poor blog readers to this weak, ugly, unlovable side of myself?
Because I am happy to announce that God is using this time to teach me about things that I need to let go of and how to let those things be replaced with HIM.
I never would have described myself as a control freak before: I don't like to be the one responsible for planning the details of group outings, I have never had jealousy issues with boyfriends, I am somewhat the opposite of a neat freak, I love spontaneous, unplanned fun, and I wasn't an obsessive straight-A student. But all of a sudden, the details of preparing for the World Race have become an area where I feel an intense need for control and of knowing what will come. Not even for the trip itself; I am happy to embrace the unknown of the trip, just not of the preparation!
And I just recently, in the past few days, have realized that if I am not careful, preparing for the World Race will become an idol for me. Meaning, I could put planning for it and preparing for it and relying on myself to work out the details for it before my relationship with God.
WHOA. DOES THAT BRING NEW PERSPECTIVE OR WHAT?!? The LAST thing I want this (or any!) process to do is come between me and God. Kind of an ironic situation for a mission trip to threaten to become an idol, right? But this is just how our poor, confused, meager little human brains work if we don't regularly call on the Holy Spirit to guide us.
So I have begun trying to really pray hard and shut up and sit still and let God be in control again. In those moments where I am feeling particularly overwhelmed I can honestly hear a voice in my head going "Bethany, just let it go. Give it up!" And I know now that this voice is God, and He is trying to lovingly, gently prod me to realize the He is sovereign and He is in control of this stuff…from the support letter recipient's hearts, to the trips to REI, to the number of people that will come to my fundraiser, and everything in between.
"Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but not with God. All things are possible with God." Mark 10:27. Jesus said it, and Jesus never screwed up, so when He has something to say, I better listen up!
"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." Proverbs 16:9.
If I try to do this trip on my own….FAIL. If I let the control go and let God use me to do it for Him….consider it DONE.
This is a heck of a lesson God is teaching me right now, and I already now that this give-the-control-to-God lesson is going to prove quite useful on the trip and in life in general. I am just grateful that He has been able to reveal this weakness to me, because otherwise I would not have been likely to notice Satan's cunning tricks, and thought that the stress, anxiety, rejection, and tears were all because I was failing God. I am so, so thrilled that God loves me enough to embrace me and carry me through this, even when I am struggling to let Him.
I encourage all of you to figure out where you refuse to give up control, and why. It is very scary but very strengthening for your relationship with God, and probably with others too.
Please, if any of you have advice or suggestions about how to continue to overcome this, post it here or email me at [email protected] and let me know. Thank you all!
