I need to write this blog. As a preface to all future blogs, hopefully. It’s something God’s been telling me to speak out about. Who I am. And who I’m not. Being real.
I’ve done life in some very different churches growing up. And some church atmospheres I’ve experienced led me to believe that the way I present myself and look on the outside is more important than anything else – my heart, my relationship with God, everything. I’ve felt that people pleasing is THE way to look like I’m close to God and the best way to get and keep Christian friends. So, on my own, I decided to build this spiritual façade to cover up who I really am.
Let me tell you, this façade is pretty much impenetrable when I want it to be. No cracks. No weak spots. And don’t think you could climb up the wall and peek over – no way! This is at least a 20-year project. You would never make it to the top.
And this wall is beautiful. Covered with those big plastic star sunglasses, glitter, confetti, streamers . . . oh, it’s dazzling. Until you realize how little all those things are worth. And how artificial and empty it all is.
I am so tired of it.
And the most powerless thing of all is when you realize – that wall is all about me. Look at me and my spirituality. Look at me and how awesome I am. Look at my wall!! Wow, Bethany is looking gooooood! She is on a MISSIONS trip. She is HELPING people. Her wall is SO sparkly and glittery! SHE is really a giving person. SHE is really close to God.
And that’s what it looks like when you hit bottom. Because I know the truth. I am not a spiritual person, I’m a broken person.
My life is messed up. I’ve got all kinds of issues. I’ve got authority issues. I’ve got confidence issues. I’ve got trust issues. I’ve got sexual purity issues.
Those colorful, sequined walls are hiding a whole lot of black slime and filth.
I’m sure this revelation doesn’t surprise you. Because when you get past those massive, carefully-constructed walls, not one of us is perfect. No one is super human. No one has a perfect past or a perfect present. Even though we might be fooling some people with our lovely façade.
But amazingly, Jesus picked me. He came for me and for ALL the bad people in the world. And I can’t even begin to explain . . . how thankful I am for that.
He LOVES me. Even though He knows me.
I’m trying to tear these walls down and be real. Would you just pray for me! I can’t do it on my own. I need His help. I need the help of my family, my friends, my teammates and my ministry contacts.
So, don’t look at me. Unless you want to be kinda grossed out. But see that guy who’s holding my hand through all of this and looking pretty gorgeous right about now? Look at Him.
My team has arrived in SOUTH AFRICA!!! 😀 We are working in a school for impoverished children during the week and hanging out with a super cool youth group on the weekends! And there’s one last Vietnam blog in the works. Love you all, thank you for being there for me in all kinds of ways, you have no idea how much it means to me! And know that your prayers are being answered! Please keep them coming. <3
