My Journal Entry: February 13, Day 33, Honduras
I am supposed to share my testimony with my team soon, and I barely understand what a testimony even is. What is my testimony? Looking back on my life, I don't recall any major "Come to Jesus" moments. I was born into a Christian family, baptized as a baby, went to Sunday School and occasionally youth group. In college I was on staff with my campus ministry and I went on a couple of mission trips. So you could say that in most aspects of life I've been an okay Christian.
But being a Christ follower was just one part of who I was. I never let it filtrate into some areas of my life. Some of my friends probably never knew I was a Christian. It just seemed easier to keep my social life and my Christian life separate. God was in a box that I took down off the shelf on Sunday mornings and maybe once a week for life group.
I was always "too busy" to spend much time in the Word, and usually saved my prayer time for once I was in bed at night, often never making it to "Amen" before dozing off. I leaned on my own understanding a heck of a lot more than I listened for the voice of God. I can't remember ever sharing the Gospel with a nonbeliever. I didn't know the difference between Ezekiel and Isaiah, and more than once I pulled the "flip slowly through your Bible until you can look at your neighbor's to find it" thumb flip because I didn't know where the book of Ruth, or Titus was. So in a lot of ways, you could say I haven't been a very good Christian.
Ministering to street kids back in Honduras, Month 2
We haven't even gotten to the worst of my sin yet. The thing is, I never thought I was doing anything THAT bad. I was always able to justify my sin. As long as I didn't do drugs, I was free to drink as much as I wanted. As long as I wasn't "going as far" as other people I knew were, it wasn't a big deal. As long as I could call one of my friends and they could top my night with something more ridiculous that they had done, I was fine. I had a lot of excuses. I'm young. It's normal. Times have changed, this is just how Christians live now. Everyone's doing it. I deserve this. But the worst excuse of all: God will forgive me.
Sure, I felt guilty sometimes. I'd wake up miserable and embarrassed and promise myself never to do X or Z again. But I never truly repented. I never said, once and for all, I'm turing to Jesus and away from this mess. Because I had Jesus the whole time.
Remember, he was in that pretty box on my shelf? I always believed in grace, but I let that precious gift of grace be my excuse to behave like an idiot.
Looking back, my biggest guilt, is not feeling more guilt. I was never broken over my sin. I was never drowning in my shame. I wasn't one to dwell on past mistakes. But God is showing me that is alright. It's okay that I so freely accepted his gift of grace and forgiveness. For there is freedom in the name of Jesus. And even now, as I begin to realize how much sin has cluttered my past, I don't have to feel guilty. I can walk in freedom and authority in Christ.
Over the years I've gotten better. As I got a little older, my relationship grew more serious, and I found an authentic church community in Epic Church, I slowly started to trim away some of the bad decisions and add back more of a desire to be closer to Christ.
But I'm still far from perfect. And that's OKAY. That's the beauty of God. He loves me so much that no matter how many times I run away, turn my back on Him, or make the same mistake, He loves me just the same. Nothing I could do would make Him love me less. But I don't want to take advantage of that love anymore. I want to love Him back with my whole heart.
One of my little buddies from the Los Pinos slum in Tegucigalpa, Honduras
So I guess my testimony is no better or worse than the next person's. I'm just a girl who longs to follow Christ but so easily gets sidetracked.
In a way, I hope the World Race IS my "come to Jesus" moment, or year, if you will. That my intimacy with the Lord will grow so much that my faith consumes my life. That I lose the desire to sin. That the little box would shatter and Christ would permeate my entire life. That I come home a changed person. My priority will be my faith, and I will serve my God above everything else. I hope I'll never again hesitate to share His love with the world. That I would become a person who always chooses joy, who speaks life into those around me, and who trembles at the feet of my Father when I disobey Him. I want to live a life that is worthy of the gospel.
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I stumbled upon this entry as I was flipping through my old journal this week. It's been five months since I wrote those words. And today, I believe that the World Race HAS been my "come to Jesus" moment. My intimacy with the Lord HAS grown more than I could have ever imagined. I am not the same.
How have I changed? Stay tuned for Part 2….
