Do you think it is possible to be homesick for places you’ve never been, people you’ve never met, and experiences you’ve yet to have? I do, because I am. There’s a quote in which the words have dwelled in my heart, growing deeper roots each day.
“The place God calls you to is where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” – Frederick Buechner
When I first read this quote I was captivated. Four years later, I am still captivated. I have been called to the Race and my heart is overwhelmed with this deep gladness, this deep desire to visit these places, meet these people, and experience a servanthood life. Yet lately there’s been this vexing word that has crept into my mind: doubt. Over and over this word has been placed in the forefront of my thoughts.
These last few weeks I have been guilty of putting Jesus on my “to do list” instead of truly making time for our relationship. With all of the tasks I have to get done before I depart in March, my days are overwhelming. I’ve been struggling with certain doubts and thoughts. When God speaks to me, I doubt if it is truly His voice or just my own thoughts. I hear the stories of my team and how God is moving for them and through them and I question if He is actually moving for me and working through me. I even thought to myself, “God, do I even believe in you and have a true faith?” And to be honest, this was my answer, “I believe in you more than I don’t believe in you.” Although I’ve never questioned His existence, I have come to start questioning whether or not my faith is enough. I know God is real, alive, and working in this world. But I doubt that I am a “good enough Christian” to be used. I doubt that my faith is enough. I question if I am even doing this whole life thing right.
As I was thinking of these things I began to pray.
“Father, I want my heart to be drenched by you. I want complete intimacy with you, to know your character, to hear your voice, and to speak your words. I have prayed for an unwavering faith and continue to ask that you will give me the faith of a child, the great faith spoken of in 1 Corinthians 12. So Lord, where are these doubts coming from? How have I gone from absolute certainty to questioning your every word and my every move?”
As always, He answered.
“How do you know my joy? Because you have walked through oppression. How do you know my peace? Because you have overcome calamity. How do you feel my presence? Because you have been without it. How do you know my voice? Because you have heard my silence. So how do you think you will grow into great faith? Because you have tasted doubt.”
We will never know the true depths of His joy, peace, voice, or presence until we experience the opposite. I suppose the same is true with our faith. A great faith grows out of thoughts of doubt. A great faith is the reward of pressing on and seeing Christ show up to banish our skeptical notions.
Though I am my own worst enemy, even I cannot stop what Christ will do through me. My doubts cannot hinder His works, for Jesus is alive and working through me for His glory. As long as I truly seek Him, I cannot mess it up. I have made wrong decisions and I have made right decisions. Either way, Jesus was unstoppable in bringing me to this place of deep gladness to help meet the world’s deep hunger. I am terribly mistaken to think I have any sort of power to stop the works of Jesus Christ through me.
So even though I may battle doubts, I rest in knowing Jesus works without a doubt.
By His Grace and Love,
Bethany
“God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” – Ephesians 2:8-10
