I was running.
I was running and the longer I ran, the farther into darkness I went. I never planned it. In fact, I allowed pride to settle in my heart and told people I would never go to that place. It’s funny how my ‘nevers’ turn into my realities. I said I would never be an ER nurse, I would never go to Africa, I would never do the World Race, I would never do mission work in the Middle East, and I would never be in a relationship where Christ wasn’t the centered focus. Well, all became true. I have been an ER nurse for close to 5 years and love it, I went to Africa and it changed my life, I will be journeying a World Race route that touches parts of the Middle East, and I lost my focus on Christ by placing a worldly relationship on the throne of my heart.
I was running.
I was running into darkness in attempts to control my fears. You see, my biggest fear in life is to be alone, never get married, and never experience having my own family. Instead of allowing Jesus to work and trust in His timing, I took control and fled from Him into a season of life where it was all about me and this relationship. Then the darkness came. I found a false identity in this relationship and worldly things. I pushed away family, friends, and anyone or anything that could have possibly spoke the truth of Jesus into my life. I didn’t want to hear what they had to say and I definitely didn’t want to feel the conviction I had fought so hard to push away. I lost sight of who I was, hated who I had become, despised how I viewed life and people, and loathed the fact I had allowed myself to get to this place. It was never supposed to happen. However, I’ve learned that thinking I’m above making a certain mistake or getting lost in a specific sin pattern only gives the enemy a foothold in my life.
I was running.
I was running, I was fighting for all the wrong things, and I was tired. Everything was crashing down in my life. Then one night, I cried out to God, “God, I don’t know what I’ve done or how I ended up here. All I know is I’m not strong enough to get out of this. If you want me out of this, if you have called me to a different life, You have to be the one to pull me out. I can’t do it, I’m too scared it’ll be the wrong decision for my life.”
I was running.
I was running then His light pierced my darkness. God began closing doors in my life and closing relationships. I’m not going to lie, I hated it. It was nowhere near what I wanted. I could understand from a spiritual perspective why this path wasn’t going to work, but I couldn’t understand it from a worldly view. I wanted answers as to why certain things happened and why things just weren’t working out.
I was running.
I was running and then I stopped. In September, on a long drive home from Dallas, I sat in the very back and intently studied His word in hopes of finding those worldly answers. I landed in James, a book I’ve studied multiple times before. However, this time the words flew off the page and hit me in the face.
“If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.” -James 1:5-8
God immediately spoke to my heart,. “There is not a worldly answer for this. When I say it is done, it is done. Stop being divided in your loyalty and walk in an unwavering faith.” I sat there stunned and surrendered. I knew God’s hand was working in my life, yet I was lacking in my faith because my heart was still divided between Him and this world. In Matthew 14:27-31, we read the story of how Peter walked on water towards Jesus. Peter maintained his focus on Jesus as he was walking, yet as soon as Peter took his focus off Jesus to look at the storm, he began to sink. The moment Peter shifted his focus to the troubles of the storm, his faith wavered. An unwavering faith keeps our focus on Jesus even though struggles and tribulations surround us.
I was running and then I stopped. I allowed His light to overtake my darkness. I leaned on Him, I cried to Him in pain, and I humbly asked for His forgiveness. I dived deeper into His word and craved a relationship with Him like I never have before. I shifted my focus from this world back to Him and I can’t help but feel as though I’m walking on the water.
