from my journal, November 19th…
Abba
forgive me.
I’ve been in the middle of another temper tantrum. I’m sorry for believing lies – for agreeing with our enemy…agreeing with his lies against you, my dad. I’m so sorry.
Reality is not defined by what I can see or even what makes sense to our own eyes.
Our enemy knows my weaknesses & my longings and uses those things against us. I’m so sorry for trying to separate myself from you. You are what I need. I need to be close to you – attached to you.
Oh God, this really is like a marriage.
I hate that my love can be influenced so quickly. We have an enemy that doesn’t want us together. And you never leave. It’s me. I’m sorry for leaving. You’re right where I want to be. I don’t want to be allured away by such deception-illusion-fantasy. NOT reality.
My flesh is so weak and I’m so aware of my ability to be swept away, deceived, tricked…away from your love, loyalty and cover.
Our enemy wants me exposed, vulnerable & away from your covering.
But can I ever leave your covering? I fall and I get deceived and I try to run from you – but you’ve sealed me. You’ve clothed me. And so even in my ignorance, arrogance & foolishness…I am hidden in you.
I don’t understand your mercy. I don’t get your grace.
Jesus – the fullness of what you did for me – it’s hitting me. The magnitude. That I’m ALWAYS covered by your blood. even in my immaturity, sin and rebellion. I am covered. My enemy can’t touch me. even if he tricks me.
This plan of yours is even better than the original! Because Eve was deceived and had to be cast out of the garden…but now you cover me. You’ve made payment for every time I’m led astray, every wrong choice, every sin.
And you’ll never cast me out. ANYONE who comes to you – you will never cast out.
this is such a beautiful story
