Leaving Honduras was bittersweet. Our host and his family were wonderful. Our team was split up for ministry; Hannah, Morgan, Katie, & Liz doing manual labor while Amy & I taught two of their younger children. You would think that having two different ministries would make our first month as a team difficult, but surprisingly that was not the case. We lived on a farm and often saw each other during the day, Amy and I pitched in with other work when we weren’t teaching, we ate lunch together, had family dinners each night, and set aside time for a team Bible study.
It was a month that we all cherished and were sad to leave. At the same time, the Race conditions you to saying goodbye and part of that is exciting because it means new adventures and new people to love. So when the goodbyes came, my heart was prepared and at peace.
Arriving in Guatemala was no different than any other month…except that our team arrived last and climbed into bed while everyone else was sleeping. But that is Race life. We kicked off our month with a Leadership Development Weekend. During that time I fought to stay present and not constantly think about how close home was. I don’t often struggle with homesickness, and I couldn’t kick the feeling of “impending doom.”
Ok, that’s a bit dramatic, but something was off, and I couldn’t figure out what. That weekend we were spoken over countless times and told that it was to be a big month. I wanted that so badly! To have Guatemala be a month that stood out from the rest. I imagined lives radically changed, people being healed from physical and spiritual sickness! And to be honest…this has been the hardest month yet.
Not because I miss home, that feeling faded (though I am looking forward to being with family and friends again!). Not because our ministry host is difficult, in fact he is a fantastic host! Not because we have given up or given in to spiritual warfare, we have prayed over this month and given it over to the Lord.
No. This month is the most difficult because no matter what we do, it feels like the floor has disappeared from under our feet and we are free falling into messy chaos.
My half of our team has been going to a new school to teach English. At first I thought, “Cool. I can do that. Six out of ten months have been teaching. This month will be like the others. Fun lessons, silly games, worksheets, etc.” But the “plan” changed a million times.
Our first week (which was only two days) we were to help the English Teacher. This actually looked like us following him around and sitting in the back trying to figure out how to help. Occasionally we got to sit with the students (usually the 3 & 4 year olds) and help them color.
The next week our host talked with the Director and they finally said they would give us a schedule so we knew where to be when. After teaching on the fly for two more days we receive the promised schedule. Then we had off for Mother’s Day (celebrated on May 10th). The next day brought more confusion and our host, yet again, came to the school with us to figure things out.
We finally got an answer: they had nothing for us to do…they wanted us there so the parents could see Americans working with them.
Finishing out that week after hearing that…was difficult. I know that is not how everyone at the school feels. The kids certainly don’t see it that way. They just love to learn English and especially love to sing, “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes,” “mas rapido!”
I wish I could say that I’ve reconciled my feelings & come up with some big revelation on how to deal with it. That would be a lie. All I can decipher within myself is the feeling of being used. We came to serve. We’ve tried our best to make sense of the situation despite feeling tossed back and forth by the waves; we’ve been confused and tired.
The saving grace for this month are our afternoons spent speaking conversational English with students from two different English programs.Even though the mornings are rough, the children are wonderful and we get to look forward to less stressful after school programs.
The reality is that I don’t need to love every single ministry we have. And regardless of my feelings I am here to serve as best I can. I pray that our showing up for the children has an impact, no matter how small. I pray that they see Christ through us. And I pray that even when I feel used or confused or hurt I choose to love as Christ has loved me.
