I've been through a lot in my life. I've faced a lot of trials, and struggled with my fair share of temptations and brokenness.
We all have.
Heart break, loss, my own mother battling breast cancer, parents divorcing, alcohol, lust, death, abuse, sickness, loneliness, rejection, fear, anxiety…….
We all have a story. Our story is beautifully written with extreme ups and downs. Whether we see it or not, those ups and downs are what make our journey so beautiful. I didn't get that truth…….. until just recently….
Most of my life I've been a hot mess (for lack of better words) I keep it all together on the outside….. most of the time. I do my share in society…. volunteer, organize events/fundraisers, graduated from college, went on mission trips, gave my life to the Lord, went to church every Sunday….. you know, "I had it all together" at least that's what it seemed like to the rest of the World.
What was going on in my head and my heart was a different story. The constant anxiety of all the "problems" in my life were taking me over. My focus was blurred…..big time. My self worth started to go down hill….. really fast. My self worth was being determined by the lies being fed to me and the way I treated myself. I believed what I thought about myself, not who Jesus says I am.
I told myself that I had too many problems, and that I'll never be able to get out of them. I told myself that one day no one will ever love me…..or even get married!? Id love that, but I can't imagine anyone wanting to be with ME! I'd tell myself that I wasn't beautiful, and find every excuse to look in the mirror and criticize myself. If that guy that I was dating told me over and over that I was 'dumb,' 'annoying,' 'not worthy,' and 'ugly' then that must be true, right? I told myself that I was a mess, and I wasn't worthy of love.
But that's not what Jesus says about me.
Jesus says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He says that I'm his beloved daughter and princess. He says that he doesn't love me any more or any less because of something I do or don't do. He tells me that I don't have to do anything to prove I am lovable. I'm worth it because he already chose me. I am beautiful because HE made me. There is nothing more beautiful than being made by God. Right!? How FREAKING cool and REAL is that?!?!?
Another raw truth? God made me…… so really, what myself and everyone else was saying about me, well, that's what they are saying about God….
Guys, God has radically spoken to me now that I'm on The World Race. He's no longer letting me suffocate my wounds. He's tearing off the band aids in the spots that hurt the most, and he's walking me through a road of healing. The road to healing is painful….. but it's also really beautiful because he's told me what's on the other side………. victory.
My redemption story? I've started to break off that lie that told me I deserved everything I've been through and believed about myself. I took a u-turn and stopped walking down the road of lies that was dangerously destroying me. Now, God is orchestrating every step of healing because I'm letting him. God created me to be all the things I said I was not. Ladies, being rooted in the love of your heavenly father is the most feminine thing about a woman.
I know now that God's been waiting for YEARS for me to break off the chains that were keeping me held down. For far to long I've given the enemy a foot hole into my life. I've realized that by focusing on all the things that I'm not, or wish I could be, he's standing right in front of me with his arms out waiting to bring me close to him….. and hold me there forever.
I'm resting in his presence now. I'm resting in the comfort of knowing that the creator of the universe made me, loves me, and will forever. The foolishness of this world will always disappoint me, but as long as I have Jesus, then I'm fine with just that.
My newest tattoo that beautifully displays my redemption story. Mae Sot, Thailand. 10/15/13
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made.
Photo by Alysa Sharp
