"My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness. So now that I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
This promise and truth in God's word has been on my heart for the last five months. I've always loved it, but it became real to me month one in China when I quickly felt the reality of the road I was going to walk the next 11 months. I've held onto it throughout this journey when times were getting tough, but I found myself holding onto it for dear life this month while in Japan.
For when I am weak. I am strong.
It's been known in this world race community that the halfway mark is the hardest season of the race and a time when racers have to really start digging deep. I've experienced this on an entire new level this past month. The enemy is really hitting me hard. I'd like to think that the enemy knows what's coming and how good it's going to be.
Truth is, this month I was hit by a title wave out of no where, and since then God has been stripping me down to absolutely nothing, so that I can build myself back up only through him. This past month has truly been some of the deepest pain I've ever felt. It was an all consuming pain that physically exhausted me. Here I was…… In JAPAN….. staying with the most amazing and loving family…… experiencing some of the most incredible things that most people could only DREAM of……. and yet I still was experiencing an incredible amount of pain, frustration, anger, confusion, and perhaps a dose of depression. There were nights when the only thing that would get me to sleep was when my teammate Alysa would pray over me until I was finally asleep. I'd find myself sitting on the train coming home from ministry, and discretely wiping the tears from my eyes in hopes that no one would see them. I'd have to excuse myself from family dinners and sit in the bathroom until I could compose myself to be happy and cheerful in front of my family that I wanted to minister to so badly.
I didn't feel God. I was crying out to him in complete desperation, but I didn't feel him. I couldn't hear him when I needed him most. I felt alone.
All I wanted was to go home. I needed my friends, my family, and the comforts of home to heal my pain. I was done with ministry, I was done traveling, I was done living out of a backpack, I was done living off of $5 a day, I was done fighting for my team and my squad mates, I was done….. absolutely drained……. done.
Why do I tell you all of this? I tell you because you, as my supporters and friends, deserve to know the truth. Not only the truth about the journey that I'm walking in… but the truth and the promises of the God that we serve. I tell you this in complete humility and in hopes that every single chapter of my testimony in this season of my life is completely glorifying to God.
Last night, my squad had worship and then created a space to share what was on our hearts. I knew that I needed to address the squad, and that the Lord wanted me to speak what's been on my heart. Rumors were floating that I was going home and I needed to speak truth into the squad and make a verbal commitment. I stood up out of my chair, walked to the front of the room, looked at my family in the eye, and told them how broken I've been this month. I told them my pain, and my desperation to throw in the towel and go home. I told them how completely OVER everything I was, and that all I wanted to do was give in and go home. As tears were streaming down my face, I took a deep breath, swallowed the golf ball in my throat, and told my squad…….. "that amidst the deep pain that I've experienced this month, and the selfish desires of my heart wanting so badly to go home right now, that I'm a fighter. I'm not giving up. I'm not letting the enemy win. I'm a fighter……. and I'm going to fight."
With encouragement and a rowdy applause from my squad, I gave them a smile with tears still streaming, took my place back in my seat, and took a massive deep breath. I'm a fighter….. and I'm going to fight.
"God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
James 1:12
As raw, real, and vulnerable as pain feels sometimes, it's when we chose to continue in the fight that God works and God moves. It's so easy to run from our pain…… believe me, I've done it my whole life. I've never dealt with my pain in the healthiest ways, and now I've facing it all at once. Making the decision not to run, but instead put on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness, was the hardest decision of my life. I've made the commitment to my squad and now I'm making the commitment to you……… I'm choosing to walk the road of pain. I'm saying yes to this season of my life and the ways God is going to use it to glorify him. I have incredible things for my future when I return to the states in 6 short months…….. and this season of pain, abandonment, dependence, brokenness, and vulnerability is preparing me for the greatness that is to come.….. for when I give him permission to USE me, he works…… he moves……..
Jesus never once packed his bags and threw in the towel on me. I'd be a fool to pack my bags and throw in the towel on him.
"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."
James 1:2-5
Yes. I'm suffering right now. Yes. I'm experiencing an incredible amount of all consuming pain. BUT…. I tell you this……… God is good. Bottom line. I'm sprinting full speed ahead to the cross, and I'm not turning back.
I'm finding comfort in his truth. I'm finding comfort in hiding God's word in my heart so that I can fight off the enemy and trust in the promises of him when I need it most.
This month I thought I was weak. I fed myself the lie that I was weak and invaluable. The enemy planted those lies in my head, and they manifested themselves in dangerous ways. I tell you now that with my squad fighting for me, my family and friends back home, and with my God fighting walking beside me…… those lies have no place anymore and they are shattered, broken, and never welcome ever again.
I thought that I was weak. But now I see that when I feel weak…….. I am strong.
