As I celebrate one year of living in El Salvador, I look back over the last year and realize that I have learned so much. I think sometimes we so easily forget what God has brought us through and where He has placed us. I finally feel like I am doing ministry that I enjoy and that really fulfills my passions.
I taught English at a local school for the first six months in El Salvador, and I hated every second of it. The students did not care whether I showed up or not and did not give me any respect while in the classroom. Many times I wanted to quit, but somehow I got talked into staying. I felt guilty if I quit. I felt like it was something I had to do even though I hated every second of it. I was sacrificing and suffering for the sake of Christ…is what I told myself. Even if I didn’t like it, I was doing it for Him. Or so I thought.
I used to think that sacrifice and suffering = God’s will for my life. I thought that if I was suffering, then I was really living for God. I thought that the more I sacrificed, the closer I was to God. So many times I would find myself in situations that I really didn’t enjoy but did out of obligation or expectations from myself and others.
I know that the Bible clearly states that as Christians we will suffer and face trials. But many times I feel like we are suffering in situations where God never asked us to suffer. We might be following obligations and expectations that actually lead us farther from His will instead of closer. The suffering we are facing might be the farthest thing from what He has for us. We might feel guilty for choosing another path that maybe doesn’t include sacrifice or suffering. But it might be exactly what God has for us.
I believe that God has placed passions and gifts in each one of us. And I believe as the Bible states, that He has good things for us (Matthew 7:11, Jeremiah 29:11). But so often I choose the hard path thinking that is what is expected of me. As I begin to find ministry that I enjoy, I automatically feel guilty. Am I really supposed to enjoy being a missionary? Can I really enjoy ministry?
YES! I believe He has placed passions and giftings inside each one of us that coincide with His will for us (Romans 12:6, 1 Peter 4:10). He wants us to feel alive and passionate about what we are doing. It doesn’t mean we aren’t following His will for us if we aren’t struggling or suffering. Being a missionary does not mean suffering. It may include suffering, but it also can include so much joy and fulfillment. I now am starting to embrace these feelings. I realize that I can say no to things that I believe aren’t His will for me. Before I might have said yes because I thought that I was supposed to even if I hated what I was doing.
I realize that there are moments where God is teaching us to serve with the right attitude and really we might need to change our attitude. But I also believe that we need to stop making choices out of expectations or obligations, and start making choices according to the passions He has given us and His will for our lives. This may include suffering, but I believe that if it is His will, it will definitely include so much joy.
UPDATE:
- I began tutoring English to Victor’s sister once a week, which I have really come to love! I can actually talk to someone else in English and I feel like I am good at teaching it!
- I began training a 15-year-old girl from my church to become a worship leader. I am teaching her piano and voice.
- I have made a few changes to my girl’s night on Monday. The first twenty minutes we are now reading the Bible together and praying. Also, once a month we are doing evangelism and outreach in our city!
- I have started doing a Bible study with the other missionary woman here. We are learning about what it means to be an emotionally healthy woman. I am really enjoying this time talking about God and sharing with one another.
