This past year can be labeled “Year of trials”. I feel like it has been one of the hardest years of my life. This year I begun processing and dealing with losses and things in my past as well as encountering new trials. I have been trying to process everything. Thankfully God has blessed me with a Christian counselor who gives free sessions to women missionaries.
I have realized that I have become bitter towards God. I have allowed myself to feel so angry over things that have happened and I blame Him for allowing things to go so out of control. I have questioned his sovereignty and ability to take care of me and those that I love. I have found myself at the door of despair. All of the questions pushing me farther from the Father who loves and cares for me. It is as if my question why? stands as a barrier between pain and healing. I feel like things aren’t fair. Why does this has to happen? Why did this happen to me or to him or her? Why do bad things happen to good people that love God?
I have struggled with my faith. I have asked myself, Is He worth it? Is He faithful?
And deep in my heart I know the answer is yes. But pain likes to lie to me and make me believe that He can’t be trusted.
I have come to a point where I know that He is my only hope. He is my only answer. He is the only one that promises to walk with me through everything that life brings.
It is so easy to blame Him for a sinful world and for the pain that is the result. But when I run out of breath from blaming, all I have left is Him. He is the only constant. He is the only steadfast. He is the only anchor.
“Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.” Job 1:22
So when I walk through trails, instead of running from Him or blaming Him, I am learning to run to Him. Fall into His arms. And rest in His peace.
I know that He is perfecting me and molding me, but sometimes the process hurts. And trusting in the beauty unseen is hard. But if I don’t let Him finish molding me, then I am just a lump of clay. I am nothing without Him.
I think back to when I was younger and how easy it was to put my faith in God…now it feels so much harder. But I know that now my faith is more genuine because I have chosen to believe in spite of pain and trials.
“These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold–though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.” 1 Peter 1:7
And I hold onto this promise:
“After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:10
God is strengthening me, perfecting me, and establishing me. He is strengthening my feet to stand on solid ground, unwavering. So that I can be an even greater beacon of light and testimony of His faithfulness in my life.
