I knew that being a missionary would not only change my life but also who I was. I remember the changes I went through on the World Race. I could see how God was shaping my life and changing my heart for the nations. It felt wonderful and exciting. At times it was difficult but I had the support of my team to encourage me to grow. Growth seemed natural.
I have been in El Salvador for almost six months now and it has been one of the most trying times in my life. I feel like all that is familiar and comfortable has been stripped from me. This time growth doesn’t seem natural; instead it feels gritty and hard. At times I feel like I can’t do it anymore. I miss my comfortable life and I miss the familiarity of my family and friends. I start wishing, “If only” things were like this or that. Instead of accepting my situation, I hope for when the struggle will be over.
My default mode when I am overwhelmed or stressed is to rely upon those around me to support me and keep me from falling. Instead of looking to God to be my support and comfort, I put these expectations on others. Fear, anger, and sadness develop when that person fails me or can’t be the support that only God can provide.
I have been struggling. At times I feel like I can’t breath. That all the unfamiliarity is draining me and sometimes I wish I could just rest from it. There should be a pause button to being a missionary. This is a whole new level of growth for me. Surrender is where growth happens and I have been fighting surrender. I never truly had to rely on God like this. Literally all my “go to” support is not here. I can run and hide; let fear, anger, and sadness grip my heart, or I can look to Him who called me here. I can admit that I can’t do this and that I need His strength. I can finally surrender and allow change to take place in my heart. When all the unfamiliar and uncomfortable creeps in, I can lean on Him who is forever familiar and the comfort to my soul.
Living in a different country is a struggle. Sometimes I want to pack my bags and go home. Sometimes I ask myself what difference am I making.
And sometimes I just have to wake up and ask God for the strength to stay, to hope, to serve, and to love another day.
