When did home become a scary place to go?
Home usually has a positive connotation with it, especially for Racers, because it means familiar food, independence, alone time (can I get an ‘Amen’??) and a sense of normalcy we abandoned long ago.
But recently, I have found myself putting thoughts of home and America far from my mind. Why, you may ask? Because I’m scared. I’m scared of mediocrity. I’m scared of going back to being the same. I’ve seen so much and been so many places and done so much in the past 9 1/2 months that I’m different. The things I’ve seen, the places I’ve been, the things I’ve experienced have changed me, and they’ve changed me for the better. I’m more trusting. I’m more patient. I don’t cling to control like I used to. I have a better pulse on the heart of the Father. I am more free!!
And I like these things about myself. I’ve learned to love myself, but more than that, I’ve fallen deeper in love with the Jesus that is in me. I feel more like myself than I have in a long time – maybe ever.
But I’m also terrified of change (ironic for someone who lives in a different country every month and a new space every two weeks).
What about those I left behind when I said yes to this crazy 11 month adventure? Chelsea is getting married almost immediately when I get home and I get to stand beside her. Laney is applying for jobs all over the state of Texas. I missed Morgan’s wedding and my friends cried because of my absence. Casi is being an adult and molding the lives of second graders. Chels moved to Dallas for a job, got rid of her iPhone and is in a completely different community. Lisa is married now and lives with a boy!
Not only have I changed over the past 9 1/2 months, but things have changed and that makes me really sad. The things that were hard to leave in January still exist, but they have changed. People have cycled in and out of lifegroup. We will be singing new songs at church. There will be new restaurants to eat at and roads to drive on. Things won’t be exactly the same as when I left, and while I knew that coming in, it’s still hard to accept.
How will the new Bethany fit in to her old life? The old Bethany was fearfully and wonderfully made, yes, but the new Bethany has experienced more of what it means to walk in that and in the identity she’s had as a daughter of the King all along. The old Bethany was a woman of excellence, as is the new one, but the new Bethany allows the Fathers strength to be made great in her weakness.
In Isaiah 42 it says:
“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth,
do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the
wilderness and rivers in the desert.”
I don’t want to be so fearful of the new things Jesus is doing that I miss how great the new thing is.
And just because I don’t see a way for the new me to fit into an old space doesn’t mean Jesus can’t make it happen. The Israelites didn’t see a way to get water or food and God divinely provided for them. God fostered the changes that have happened in me while I’ve been away and He is delighted. He’s going home with me and will still be delighted. I don’t have any reason to be afraid! So, while the rest of pretty much everything has changed, I can rest knowing that God is the same yesterday, today and forever.
